mirth

so its the end of the year-time to reflect. the grand conclusion you come to after reviewing my chart is that there is no mirth expressed anywhere. i don’t think that should come as any surprise to anyone. after all this site is about suicide. i see a shrink because i have major depression. not seeing where mirth fits in this scenario. btw you most definitely make me nervous/anxious. you have the power to incarcerate me and having used that power earlier in the year i try to mind my manners. it is not just you however. Wendy has been  added  as we have recently been digging into the muck.   the question is why do i hate myself so much?  what deep dark secret am i hiding?  i haven’t the foggiest notion. but i can tell you there are  2 of me. the dark one has been busy . she seems to be working on a subconscious level. she has pushed away most of the important people in my life. that includes that list of three. those ties seem more loose than before. you are right when you say that its the hopelessness that will do me in more so than any one trauma.  there will likely come a time when i give up . tired of all the time and treasure devoted to fixing my head. when said time comes i will just fade away quietly. am i a victim? a failure?  lazy and worthless?  all of the above. i am just a person who is profoundly ambivalent about life.  who hates herself very intensely at times. and believes there is nothing that can’t be fixed with a bullet.