Take me away from here

I hardly even wake up today without my mother asking me stupid questions.

I was already on edge from yesterday and she keeps pushing me with her stupid question.  She always gets angry at me but she can’t realize what she did to me all these years.  I never wanted to blame her, only myself, but she hurt me too, I realize.  Held me back, made me dependent.  Sabotaged me unwittingly.

I feel the need to cry, but I can’t.  Not anymore.  Not in a long time.

I had a dream that I married a nice girl who seemed somewhat relatable to me.  Deep down I knew I’d lose her.  I wondered why she’d ever settle on me.  It was destined to fail.  Every relationship does.  It runs its course.  Or doesn’t begin in the first place.  Friends use you and go.  People kick you down.  You exist to be kicked down and your reason abused and abolished.  I hate living in this world.  I want it to all go away.  All these ignorant, bickering imbeciles with their Internet mafia mentality who can’t distinguish right from wrong but can sure rationalize the hell out of it.  I’m tired of being used and forgotten.

All I want is to go away now.  Now before my niece and nephew are old enough to know the monster I am.  I can’t deal with this anymore.  I always wanted to go see Japan.  Maybe take up the suicide forest where I’d be far away and forgotten.  Erase any trace of this pathetic existence.  I wonder if it’s possible to get a gun out there, or pills, or anything that would be quick and effective.

I can’t get away.  I’m not even part of this world and yet I’m bound to it and all I want to do is not feel like Prometheus chained upon the rock having my liver eaten daily.  Fucking alienated beyond repair.  What do they do with the useless ones?  They starve them and leave them to rot in an unmarked pauper’s grave.

God damn the new year.  Another year of this!?  It stretches out to me like a desert without an oasis and I know how much sand is going to get between my eyes and how the heat will extract every drop of fluid from my dessicating corpse.

Let me go!!!  I’ve only ever asked for one thing in my life – to be freed.