Hey all,
It’s 10 days since I decided to follow a plan in order to give myself a last chance to become a better man and find meaning in life (http://suicideproject.org/2014/01/ive-got-my-plan/). Unfortunately each day is just more difficult.
I’m on the right path with most of my goals, I’m seeing friends (even those I hadn’t seen for years), I’m visiting my family and spending time with them, I’m preparing a trip to a place I wanted to visit, I keep visiting my therapist (didn’t find the guts to tell him about my thoughts). I go out and I wear my mask, people think that I’m ok while I’m in deep shit. I’m constantly losing interest in my job, I find it very difficult to wake up in the morning and I can’t think of something that will be left as a legacy for my family. I want to leave something behind for them, but I don’t seem to be capable of doing it under the current conditions.
This plan is literally my last chance, however my thoughts about moving the end day closer are just becoming stronger, Â April 19 could be my new deadline for the plan and 26 the day to go. I don’t want to resign from the plan, it’s still too early, but today is one of these days that I could really go and what’s even worse I don’t seem to be able to
Don’t even know if what I’m writing makes sense, I’m in a total psychological collapse at the moment, so please excuse me.
15 comments
Dear theunkown777,
It pains me to read that you can plan to end your life, but opening up to friends and your therapist is too difficult…. take the mask off and ask those closest to you for help. Be true to yourself. You are a good man.
I really want to talk about it to my therapist, but each time I try to I just don’t find the guts. I won’t talk about it to my close ones, they knew that I was in a really bad condition for 3-4 months but I’m supposed to be recovering and I can’t let them have my problems on their shoulders. Additionally I don’t want to let them know that I am (was since kid) suicidal, I will probable make my end (if my plan for life doesn’t work out) look like an accident (actually something that happened without my knowledge, not really an accident).
You should tell your therapist everything, let him try to assist you on how to handle this all.
I believe honestly will get you further towards recovery. There is nothing to be ashamed of, You can either let them help you carry your burden with you, or they will carry all of it when you depart.
I have driving lessons with a 7 year old right now, if I survive I will respond later!
I will start by confessing it to my therapist. I just can’t talk about it to those close to me. I know that they won’t be able to help, they will be keep living with the stress of a possible attempt and if I finally go they will know it was a suicide and they will feel bad for not being able to help.
The therapist is a good start. a select few family may help
I read a book the other day called House of Cards by Leon Garfield. It’s all about a man who tells a lie to his daughter. He thinks it’s to protect her but every year the lie puts a barrier between who he is and the world. I think my life like that. If you hide part of who you are, instead of protection the lie becomes darkness and darkness smoke monster that strangles you.
telling someone what you feel could be the start of healing, even if you just tell God.
best wishes
I can’t, I just can’t talk about it to my family. The reasons I explained seem too important to me. A few months ago, at a moment that I was totally broken, I tried to talk to my sister (I’m 5 years older) but it was a bad idea and I hope she believes that I didn’t mean it and was just words among crying and shouting.
Everyday is just more difficult, just pain and grief. Today I hardly woke up 2 hours later than normal and I didn’t go to work.
Feel free to email me theunkown777
I’d do it but don’t have your email
I can totally relate to how you feel i cant confide in my therapist or my husband hes like god whats next hes lost patience with me ive been awake all night stressing about how to tell my. Shrink how things are for me im stuck like you im supposed to be better but i just feel wreckless and hopeless i dont know how to ask for help anymore
Captainsquirrel123 at gmail…….I look forward to hearing from you
yeah molly, this is one of the worst things… having to keep my mask constantly on eats me from the inside more and more each day. but once you take the mask off, you just become a monkey on someone else’s shoulders and neither I can stand it nor others can take me on their shoulders as their monkey… reality is cruel and if we survive we have to do it based only on ourselves.
You would not be viewed as a monkey on my shoulders.