Hmmm

So, I’m about to return to school in a few days, and I’m supposed to contact my counselor upon arrival to set up our first appointment of the semester. But I’m torn. You see, I’ve already gone way over the “limit” of visits supposed to be available to students, so I am beginning to feel like I have no right to continue going. Plus, it’s been almost a year of consistent visits, and at this point, I feel like I just talk in circles, but my level of depression remains consistent, even despite changes I make in my life. I am trying so hard, but I can’t get out of the pit, and I don’t want to become an unwelcome visitor nor a burden. So, even though I feel like I still need counseling, I feel worse from the guilt of overstaying my welcome and not making enough progress. She probably resents me for wasting her time. And I think part of the problem is that I can’t really talk about half of what I feel, because it’s mainly suicidal thoughts, which are certainly taboo with any mandated reporter. I’d end up in the hospital, and I don’t think it would help. I don’t know what to do. And yes, I know I am very privileged to even have a counselor or a school to go to. I know, I know. I shouldn’t whine. I just don’t want to bother anyone anymore, especially someone who I respect and look up to. Sigh.