Last night

I almost did it last night. I ALMOST took my own life. I can’t even remember when these thoughts started to take over my life. I feel like it has seriously been forever that I’ve wanted to kill myself. Every time the littlest thing would upset me I would automatically turn to suicide. I’m embarrassed and ashamed of the shit I pulled last night. I would never do it for attention; I’m just emotionally and physically drained. I feel even worse about myself because I know my friends were worried. I don’t know exactly what set me off this time, maybe it was just bad timing. I had a mental breakdown. I had thought in the past I had had a few mental breakdowns but now I know that they were not. I had no control over my emotions and actions last night and if I had control I would have thought clearer. I’m glad that I didn’t go through with it. I now can accept the fact that there is something wrong with me. No mentally sane person leaves a birthday affair to go kill themself. Its all a blur, I cannot perfectly recap what happened to me in the few hours I had disappeared.  But I can remember right before the breakdown had started and when it had finally stopped. The man I met that had stopped me from killing myself was sweet. He was of course confused, I don’t really remember what we talked about for so long, but I remember we were laughing. It was the first time I had really laughed with someone in a while. I didn’t discuss with him that I was suicidal; he probably just thought I was crazy. I just asked him about his life. This was the best decision I had ever made. I needed to compare my life to someone else’s, just to see if I should seriously be as miserable as I am. I guess I figured, hey here’s this homeless guy lets see what his life is about. He wasn’t nearly as depressed as I am. I asked about his family and how he ended up on the street. He was a generally okay person, he didn’t seem upset, nor did he seem happy. He gets a lot more judgment from people than I do and I was sitting there crying. I should’ve been scared, this was a homeless man in NYC in the middle of night that I was having a meltdown in front of. He could’ve raped me, robbed me, maybe even kill me. But those are the thoughts I am taught growing up, turns out this man wasn’t any kind of murderer, he was just a man who lost his way in life. Maybe he was at the same point I am in my life now at one time. And then he just got up and left. I offered him money as a compensation for wasting so much of his time and he didn’t take it. This homeless man did not take money from me, he just told me to have a goodnight and left me they’re sitting on a street corner. I didn’t want to move. My friends could’ve found me if they had just walked around the corner. I could’ve gone back to the restaurant and played it off as there being a long line in the bathroom. But I didn’t, I continued my suicidal journey knocking on every apartment building looking for a hotel I could spend the night at. My phone had died and I’m grateful It did. I needed everything that happened to me last night, it was just my thoughts and me again. Me battling my brain. I wish people took more time to listen to each other. Really listen to each other, instead of being rude and inconsiderate. My friends probably regret the things they said to me last night and they should. I don’t mind if they don’t want to speak to me again, it just sucks. Its not people who make me depressed its their actions. I know my friends all have genuine hearts but they’ve lost their way too and have their own problems to worry about. But I wish they could see things the way I see them.  I have dreams of becoming rich and famous, but even if it do reach that peak in life, I won’t be able to forget these terrible year in my life. My aspirations lead me to believe that I have a purpose in life. I think the universe actually enjoys my presence even if the people in my life don’t.  And even if I don’t turn out the way I imagine, if I turn out like my homeless friend, then so what? He was more emotionally stable than I am, a 17 year old teen. Then there’s the thoughts of family. I do not blame my family at all. There has been many times that I’ve been suicidal and have placed all the blame on my parents. I’ve even thought about leaving them notes telling them how much of their fault it would be. Isn’t that terrible?  They spend their life trying to successfully raise me and my sister, yet I’m willing to break my mothers heart. I wouldn’t be their fault at all, suicide is no ones fault. I think anyone would agree. And I’ve realized that there are other people in the world with terrible lives, and I should be “grateful” but sometimes depressions hits people the world wouldn’t expect. LIFE FUCKS EVERYONE OVER, its life!! Why am I so hung up on life? Its ridiculous, I should be happy and everyday I ask myself, why aren’t I happy? I don’t think I’ll try suicide again. I feel like God has given me a second chance last night. I’m going to get help. Serious help, I want to sleep again, I want to have energy again. I want to love, feel, and explore. I want to learn again. I want to graduate! I have such great things to look forward to in life its not fair to me that I want to die so bad. I want to live again. I wish my friends cared enough to contact me this morning, I also wish I could be the bigger person and own up to my mistakes but that’s what it is, I feel like a tiny ant that keeps getting stepped on. I’m afraid to talk to anyone right now. I’m typing all this down but I’m not sure what to do with it. And if I ever do decide to take away my life, I hope someone finds this and prays for me. I’m afraid I won’t have control like last night.  I get chills because of how close I was, all it would take was a couple seconds. I’m gonna have so much trouble going into school. That’s all I can think about.