I’ve been depressed and fantasizing about killing myself since childhood. My older brother was also depressed, though we didn’t realize just how much. He took his life roughly four months, nineteen days ago now. I miss my brother, but the rest of my immediate family has definitely taken it worse than I have. I don’t think I was as sad as a true brother ought to be at the time he died, and I feel like a disgusting person because of this. I still hope that my brother is at peace, although I’m not religious or spiritual.
My mom is very depressed now too, crying most days. I tried to be comforting to her, but I just don’t have the empathy or the energy anymore. Her whole personality has changed. Before my brother’s death she wasn’t even religious, but now she believes my brother is trying to send us messages through everyday occurrences- like he’s a ghost lingering around us. She thinks that he appears to her in animal form, like as a hawk or a stray dog. I understand her need for spiritual comfort, but her beliefs worry me. She also quit her job quite recently without any sort of fall-back plan, I’m assuming she’s paying bills with her savings now.
When my brother took his life I was also a little resentful of him because I wanted to be the one to escape. When he died I kept telling myself that I might as well find a way to get through life because I couldn’t die also and put my family through that whole ordeal again. I’ve been worn down over the past few months, and now, again, I feel that I might kill myself despite my earlier vow. I’m seeing that guilt and shame are the only things holding me back.
I’ve been planning suicide methods, and when I think about how my family would feel or what they might think, I just don’t care. I don’t want to hurt them anymore, but neither do I love them anymore. I don’t want to see or hear them or feel their hands on my shoulders ever again. Like I already wrote, I struggle to feel sorry or compassionate for others. I just want to die. I don’t care about giving anything back and I don’t want to take anything more from the world, I just want everything to be over.
2 comments
I have read your post, and I hear you. It will be difficult to kill yourself no matter what you say about not caring about your family. Your brother is the lucky one. He got out first. That you don’t grieve the same as others is because you know the pain your brother left behind, the pain you hope he no longer feels.
I relate to you pretty well. Although I haven’t lost a sibling, I have siblings that also suffer from depression. I have had attempts on my life and so have they. The thing is with depression is that it makes you a selfish person. All you want to do is be introspective all the time, analyzing yourself and forgetting about the world around you. Whenever my brother gets really sick and hurts himself I feel jealousy. I want to end it but haven’t had success yet. There comes a point when you cant keep living for others. You have to live for yourself mate. I certainly don’t encourage anyone to try suicide but I know how you feel. We are all fantasizing about the same thing, but its a big step and once its done its done. Its a decision you have to make. good luck