Hello
My name is not important and I have been experiencing suicide ideation and fantasy since I was 10 in my memory , likely earlier, 6 as reported by my mother.
I am 21 now and things are more or less as bad as they usually are in my perception. I struggle with self-criticism, anxiety, depression, etc, worthlessness, hopelessness. You know the ropes by now.
I know there are people that love me and people that care, which makes things all the worse. Usually my ideation and fantasy has more to do with the concept of “un-existing” or “erasing” my life. It’s not a spite or glory or attention I seek. I seek revenge for a life that was forced upon me, and as far as I can tell, one I never wanted at all. I seek to settle the score. I have planned my death numerous times it would be boring to me to try to quantify it. My most recent plan details death on my birthday or disappearance as a possibility. I should like to go out into the ocean as far as my fuel takes me, expend my food and water, sit on the edge nude cock a hammer and exit quickly.
I never wanted to be alive, I still don’t. Sometimes life still interests me and excites me. But wholly I find the world repulsive, frightening, overwhelming, backwards, misdirected, selfish, fast.
More than anything I wish my father and mother had never met or procreated. They both have mental illness. I wish they would have died rather than cursed babies with their genetics and personality disorders. I think it would be outright irresponsible for me to produce young knowing they may end up with a brain like mine. It is nearly irresponsible to keep living in society as a defunct and non-interested human being.
I hope one day I will be able to erase the majority or entirety of my record on this Earth. I wish to be forgotten.
1 comment
All of our records will be eventually erased with the passage of time… it is inevitable, unless we get to do something huge that trascends time (but not many are capable or lucky enough to do it).
I wanted to say i really relate with what you wrote about not wanting to procreate knowing your child might be born with problems and into an already hard enough world… that’s one of the reasons i’ve never been too interested in having a family of my own (my parents genes were already bad enough, i wouldn’t want to have a son or daughter with even worse possibilites), but you never know… some people turns out just fine even with the worst parents.