For a very long time, I was in a very committed relationship. That relationship ended back in 2010, and since then, dating experience has been unpleasant… Now 2014, I am still without a girlfriend… but I guess as time progresses, I see myself less and less of wanting/needing to be in a relationship. In about two months, I will be 31, and yet, I no longer see myself as a potential husband, soul mate, or even as a father.
During the four years, I certainly went through a stage of sexual drought. I would be lying if I say I wasn’t feeling desperate at times (I was certainty feeling depressed and a sense of sadness).  I even debated for at least two years about hiring an escort. Lots of pros and cons, and I came to the realization that heck.. I don’t need a woman in my life to be fully happy, that I can build a life of being single for a very very long time and that it is okay to hire an escort. So in late 2013, I did just that. A few months later (i.e. fast forward to today), I have been keeping a journal on my journey with meeting escort (I started seeing two independent providers, both are in their mid 30s, and then narrowed down to just seeing one consistently).
I have to say, this has opened my mind to a whole new level. Sure, I still don’t get the same frequency of sex as being in a committed relationship, but deep inside, I feel a sense of liberation and freedom from the depression. I no longer feel desperate enough to meet and date any women..or even feel the need to be in a relationship at all. I no longer have to deal with any arrogant females treating me like crap on a date, because I know that I can get better care and treatment from an escort. And the escort I have been seeing (lets call her Erin, which is totally not her real name), she is a very wonderful and professional person, very down to earth, and very sweet and caring. Erin tells me glimpse of her life openly, and I started to feel somewhat connected to her as I was able to relate to some of her past experience. It is actually very refreshing and welcoming that she does not possess the same arrogance that many women I run into in various social functions or events. By arrogance I meant the over-confidence within a person that allows her to judge others by the covers (i.e. I deserve better than being in the same space as you, and that you don’t have the appearance or skin of color that motivates me get to know you at all). Her personality and attitude in life makes me respect her and her profession even more. She brings solace to me when no one else cares to, and for that, I am forever grateful.
I am not here to say that hiring escort is right or wrong (absolutely, I would never want to be around anyone underage or anyone with a pimp/agency or anyone who is a streetwalker/druggie…I would actually get the fuck out if any of aforementioned is true). But my actual point is that life does not have to be so hard. You don’t have to bend your back backward in order to be accepted in this society. Many of us depressed individuals are on the social fringe of being ignored and placed in the sideline (like a clearance item at dollar store). But there are ways to still attain some level of happiness as long as you open your mind and accept things that our society is too much of a biggot to face.
Lastly, maybe I will meet someone and fall in love with again, or maybe not at all. Again, life can be hard and crappy, but that does not mean you can’t find happiness on your own term. You still have some control after all.
5 comments
You’re seeing the same person? That’s like an open relationship then, whether you want to admit it to yourself or not. You’ll end up developing feelings and well, since she’s a sex worker, not merely your friend-with-benefits… it’s unlikely she’ll want to pursue anything serious with you. Be careful.
@persephone, points well taken. You can technically call it an open relationship, but not quite, because I am only seeing the person in the sense that I meet with her consensually for a period of time every once in a blue moon, but outside of that time, we have close to zero contacts or communication. Neither one of us knows where each lives. I certainly don’t expect her to pursue anything with me. She is a business woman after all, and I know that, but it doesn’t hurt that she treats me like a human being, carrying normal conversation like a down to earth person would do with me.
You are also right about the risk of developing feelings. That’s why even though I see the same person consistently, I don’t do it very frequently still, almost once every two or three weeks. And again, not much of chatters at all in between. And if I catch myself feeling too much, yes, I would still have to see someone else for quite a while.
I don’t understand how anyone can afford to pay an escort twice a month.
The annual cost of such lifestyle can range from $6,000 to $10,000 in US dollars (not including at least twice a year STI test, say 500 for two comprehensive panel tests).
So if this is the lifestyle one chooses, obviously, one has to figure out a way to come up with such amount.
Normally, when you have a regular girlfriend in a committed relationship, you are still bound to go out to eat (maybe say 5 times a month?), go see a movie or entertainment (maybe once a month?), gifts (v-day/christmas gifts anyone?), traveling (vacation, flight, car gas, hotel..).. that can amount to say roughly $5000 a year if you are on the very conservative side. And that does not include any emotional toll that can incur at the expense of your own physical and mental health, especially when she verbally abuses, cheats on you, and talks crap about you behind your back (all of which happened to me at one point in the past). All these psychological damages are not something you can easily put a price tag on and can take years to recover from. (well, I guess you can put a price tag on seeing a therapist on regular basis)
Now, for someone like me who has no girlfriend for years, it is not a stretch to afford such lifestyle.
I should add that I did not take lightly on the decision I made. It took me over two years to think through this, and even then, I was extremely nervous and anxious when I first ventured into this lifestyle. It certainly does not work for everyone, but in my case, so far so good. I am still keeping a journal to keep track of my journey, so I can look back and see the changes in me.
Dude, people who make minimum wage don’t even clear $13k/year.
Most people are dirt poor, because dollars are nearly worthless now.
Like i said: “i don’t understand how anyone can afford to pay an escort twice a month.”
Most people can barely afford the bare necessities, and to keep their phone in service.
I’m not saying it’s wrong at all; just that it’s not an option for most people. It’s an option i’d certainly employ, if not for the whole money issue, and all its extended impacts.
If i could afford that kind of thing, i wouldn’t be nearly as depressed, because i’d just spend that money on doing all the things i want to do, and not wasting my time on “girlfriends” who are really just prostitutes in disguise.
If a girl only “likes me” because i buy her stuff… well, whores/prostitutes/escorts, exist. So i’m not putting up with that gold-digger mentality. Plus, i’m broke anyway, so it’s not an issue i have to worry about.