When I’m not doing something I feel like I can’t keep up with my very own mind. It seems to have a will of its own. I can’t controll what it’s thinking, I can’t controll what it’s feeling. It’s like I’m sitting behind the wheel of a speeding car and I don’t even know how to drive.
There’s two things that seem to slow down or focus my mind, drugs and music (when combined I tend to become music).
There doesn’t seem to be anyone in the world that feels this way. All people are either in controll, or they’re not, I’m just in the grey.
And you know what, my mind often leads me to suicide, often leads me to thinking about ways to kill myself. I somtimes catch myself looking at a glass and thinking of how to shatter it and stab myself to death, or look at a building and thinking of how it would feel to jump off.
The weird thing is that it doesn’t do anything to me emotionally, I don’t feel sad when thinking about killing myself, it just seems like the right way of things.. I am just a monster on this world I guess.
5 comments
Dear ravanys,
Is anyone ever in control? Or is control an illusion of simple minded egotistical maniacs? I stole that line, but it has stuck with me through life, as relevant. I know a monster, and you Ravanys, you are not me. Let me read your other posts and then i would like to have a discussion with you. (if you like)
Ravanys, i just visited your past to about 15. You still here?
I don’t think you’re a monster. Rather, I think you’re human. I read some of your previous posts… and I can connect with you on a few of them. Chances are, there are others here that share things in common with you, too. As much as we (and I include myself) think that we’re alone in our problems, there are often many others facing the same challenges. If you’d like to talk a little bit, many of us are here for you.
Ravanys, if i fall asleep, please email me…..i have recently found just how special you Dutch Folk can be.
It’s a terrible feeling when it seems like everyone around you is ignoring all the signs that you have a problem. It often leads me to believe they care only about themselves and one one else. Back in high school, I was lonely and depressed to the point where I started to become irrationally angry. I would break things or just sit around not wanting to do anything. You think someone would have notice this behavior right? WRONG! No one gave a sh#t about me at any time! Everyone labeled me a “problem child” due to my behaviors. No one wanted to help get my life on track. That’s why I’m sitting here today as effed up as I am today. You’ve go to seek help out yourself if no one else cases to take the time to notice you have a problem.