It’s been over a year since I last posted something here. I would like to thank all those who commented and gave me advice and words of encouragement, though I seldom replied I did read every comment. Thank you.
This will be my last post.
I’m not killing myself, nor do I have any intention of doing so, not anymore, or anytime soon. I’m in a better place than I was a year ago, I’m no longer on any medication, though I’m not completely recovered. I don’t think someone like me, or anyone here for that matter, can feel the kind of sadness and hopelessness that we have, and still fully recover. I believe that a bit of that sadness clings to us for the rest of our lives. Some days we will forget we ever felt it at all and other days we will wonder if it’s the only thing we will ever feel again.
But I am happy, for the most part. I got my life back in order last year, I focused on my education mainly. I learnt a few weeks ago that I was accepted to university, my first preference too ;). I start in March. A friend and I are currently planning on getting our own place this year, we both live with my parents. I’m saving up for a car, and I made a vow that I’m going to write more. I think I want to be a writer. That may change in a month or so though. But all in all, it looks like a hopeful year ahead of me. Though I still cling to thought that something is going to go wrong, it’s a knee-jerk reaction I have when things are going too well. But we will see, and I hope I am wrong.
Now about that title. I’m not a social person, I’m an introvert and I’m fine with that. But I feel that sometimes I isolate myself too much. I’m 20 and my parents go out more than me. And I don’t care, and that’s the thought that scares me. I don’t care that I spend most of my time reading books. I have one close friend, a friend that knows me better than all my kind-of friends combined. She is all that I need. But she isn’t like me, she needs to be around people. She wants to fall in love and have a family. I want her to be happy but I don’t want her to leave me. She will anyway, and I will let her. She deserves it. I think I could live alone, happily.
Is it odd that a 20 year old girl doesn’t think about love? I’ve never been in love, never felt anything close. It doesn’t bother me. I’ve had boys ask me out a few times. I always turned them down. They were my friends and I could never see them as anything more. I can make friends, connect with people. It’s just maintaining that connection that I have a problem with. I’ve only really been able to do that with one person, she doesn’t even feel like a friend anymore, she feels more like family than anything else.
It’s not just my social life I feel apathetic towards. Sometimes it’s my family, or my friends, or myself. In situations where sympathy or worry is needed I often find myself faking it, or not even trying to. I don’t know if this is a result of my depression or a character trait I’ve only recently noticed. Sincere reactions from me are a rare thing. Though gratitude is something I’ve always been able to express without trying. I’ve never said a Thank You I didn’t mean. If someone goes out of their way, or takes time out of their day to help me in anyway, I am grateful, always.
When typing these I always write more than I intend to. It feels good telling people these things, lord knows I don’t tell anyone else. I would again like to thank anyone who commented on any of my posts, I wish you all the best. And while I’m not the picture perfect image of recovery, I am happier. I wish all the sad and lonely people on this website my sincerest apologies. I’m sorry you are not happy. I’m sorry you are stuck or lost or have given up. I know it is hard to be hopeful. And I feel like a hypocrite by telling you to try. But please, know that I care, that you deserve happiness, that you deserve to be here. You are not below anyone, and no one has the right to make you feel like you are. You a person, you are complex and you are loved.
Goodbye
2 comments
I’m glad you’re in a better place. And yeah, your friend might leave you one day. But your memories of her will always stay and that’s the thing you must keep in mind. You’ll remember her and no matter if she stays or goes, nobody can ever erase her from your memory, from your heart. Some people never meet friends like this, you need to learn to feel lucky to have known her, even if she might leave.
However, keep hanging on, you’re doing great !
Write a good book, and spend some of the money you earn on charity. You sound like a good person. I’m happy you have found yourself again. Friends come and go, memories don’t.