What to do next?

I’m a girl of 21 who’s not interested in life anymore. I’ve tried so SO much to fit to society but couldn’t. I’m becoming messed up and put on the most fake front in order for people to believe I’m fine. I’m not.

I can’t say I’ve been through the worse, but no matter who you are, you always end up having problems, big or not. Well, I’ve always had a good family background, except on my mother’s side (my maternal grandparents) that didn’t like my father for religious reasons. Until the age of 10 or so, I had never met them. And when I did, it was the worst experience ever. I hated it. My grandfather’s dead for a long time, a bit after I met him. So we never got close and he frightened me. Today, despite this conflict with my father being over, I still have trouble accepting my grandmother. I’ve always felt that my paternal grandparents are the only ones that cared about me. When I was 8, I got bullied by my classmates every day. I wasn’t ugly at all (always considered pretty and rather intelligent, having good grades), but no matter what, they hated me and made my life a living hell. I hated so much going to school that I considered getting sick on purpose in order to avoid it. Too bad for me, I never get sick… One girl of the class became my friend, though. She was the only one to support me. She was my everything. I felt so lonely without her. Then one day, some of the girls bullies convinced her not to hang out with me anymore. She literally switched sides. I felt like a loser. Even today, I can’t stand myself. The bullying kept until I was 14. I felt like these people killed me on the inside. I felt like getting out of this life and attempted suicide (more like I was on the edge of doing it). I hated life, but since I changed classes, people started being friends with me and I even fell in love. My first love didn’t end smoothly. We were close friends, and I rejected other guy’s offers in order to ask him out one day but I was so shy and awkward that I never did. I eventually realized he didn’t have feelings for me. I was very sad, but let it go. What could I do, anyway? But it destroyed even more my self-esteem. Ever since, I never liked anyone again. I’m too afraid being rejected, despite being called a pretty girl. I see nothing pretty in me. I used to have sort of a tomboy’s personality, always awkward, feeling that I don’t deserve love at all. I still made five very close friends at 15, but the more I hung out with them, the more I realized I didn’t fit. I know they’re my friends and that they like me, but I don’t think they truly understand me.

Then I got this test from my psychiatrist that said my IQ was high: 130. I couldn’t believe it, and apparently it seems to be the reason of my awkwardness with people, as I was always more mature than them. I felt like it was the explanation. This is why I couldn’t concentrate in classes, was called strange and all sorts of stupid names. I hated school so much I wrote in one of my diaries that if I could destroy it with a bulldozer I would. I was sick of non-supporting teachers, bullies, the system in general. Sick and fed up. I even considered running away but couldn’t, since my family was here for me. I hate it.

Now I’m becoming a closed-up person, avoiding people as much as possible (even my friends), and I feel I’ll never get a boyfriend either. It’s not that boys aren’t interested in me, it’s more because I reject them and put on a cold/arrogant front, despite not truly being like this. I want love, I’ve always wished for it, but can’t find it anywhere. The guys that are interested in me are mostly interested in sex rather than some emotional connection. I’ve had so many friends that were abused of all sorts, beaten, raped, used… That I just don’t want to put my heart in it, I’m too afraid. I’m literally scared to death of this world. In my dreams, I’m a strong girl, a warrior, but in life, I’m just a pathetic human being with no powers at all. I’m still grateful not being poor and having a supporting family, but besides that, everything’s becoming a huge mess. I feel like I’m stuck into a teenage dream and can’t go on and see the real world with open eyes. It hurts too much. I’m afraid. This world’s the most horrible place ever with the worst crimes. Society, politics, religion, none of this matters. Once you die, you don’t come back. You may be the president of the richest and most powerful country in the world, you can die any second and that’s all, goodbye and no thanks.

Even my studies… I already failed last year at my translation school. I only loved going there because people had the same interests as me and loved me for who I was. I felt like they were my true friends, unlike those I had at school. We would laugh and have fun all the time. But I’m just an immature kid, after all: I messed up and switched to another university. Now I’m failing again despite having studied like crazy. I have so much disorders it’s hard to keep up the pace with this world. I feel worthless, disgusting, therefore, I hide my true nature behind makeup, clothes, and a girly attitude. I pretend perfection when I’m actually the total opposite. I envy those who succeed in life, I envy everyone’s happiness. If you saw me in real life, you’d never think I could think that way but I do. Every day I suffer. Every day is a challenge to wake up. I became even more suicidal than in my teens. I’ve always had a fascination of death. As a kid, I already had suicidal-like behavior where I took heavy risks on purpose, worrying my family. I loved the thrill of it.

That’s why I’m messed up. Now everyone around me is making me feel worthless, asking me what’s wrong with my mind, forcing me to see stupid psychiatrists, taking pills (more like a mind drug to me) and wondering why I haven’t got someone yet. I must really be a loser. I live in fantasy all the time. I hate staying in this country. Most of my friends left for France, Britain, Scotland, and get to travel while I stay stuck in this pathetic rainy place that is my country, with the same people over and over again. I became so fed up I feel like burning it all. I want to die so bad. No one understands my pain. They say they do but they never will. I’m a very passionate person that wants answers. I want to die because I’m wasting time. I’m afraid of messing my life (though I already started), and I want someone to love without being able to give love. I’m just another pathetic girl that’s tired to try surviving in this crazy, senseless world. I’m lost. Lost lost lost. I could write it my whole life, it’ll always be the same. I told myself I should enjoy life, but I really can’t. Too much pain in my heart and brain, no support… What should I do? The other day I attempted suicide by strangulation but failed to do the job. My mom wants me to go in one of those horrible hospitals for crazy people… I don’t wanna go. I don’t!!!

Please, someone help me…