I thought I once knew who or what you are. I am not stupid; I can see the wondrous universe and all of its beautiful order and structure and I know this did not happen by chance. But all I know of you now is the pain you think I and others need. I awaken every day with my addictions to something better and my burning desire to leave my broken body and relieve the searing burn of my broken spirit. I am through begging a higher power for delivery. I am done feeling the compulsion to dig an artery out of one of my arms and bite it in half over the anguish of waking to another day of abuse at a useless job that only makes others prosper and satisfies their ravenous egos.
Forgive me for not being thrilled with facing intense and painful challenges one after the other, and each one bringing magnitudes of agony more than the last. If I am not deserving of living the last years of my life in peace and with a level physical pain I can at least tolerate why do you allow me to continue day after agonizing day? A bird with a broken wing either continues to thrive with no recollection of its disability or is quickly extinguished by a hungry predator but I go on day after day, each more difficult than the last. It’s a pointless and benign existence – like an intense stench that will not go away.
You are spoken of in love yet I experience you as cruel as feral cat toying with a frightened field mouse for the shear pleasure of watching it die in the most painful way possible before dropping its carcass on a doorstep and sauntering away feeling the pride of its conquest. What happened to the love so great that even the birds are numbered? Where are the fruits born of desperate prayers? Where is the evidence of good overpowering evil?
Oh, yes. It’s all the fault of someone like me that chose the offer of free will over rote obedience; that chose faith in grace over the fear of insurmountable punishment. I once believed the words, the destiny of good deeds and love for fellow mankind. I’ve seen too much evil rewarded for its efforts. I’ve witnessed too many hearts shattered and too many good people destroyed for the gain of others. I’ve come to the well and found it empty, parched and devoid of anything good. And when I call out in desperation I hear nothing but the faint echo of my own pleading.
This is all I know of you now.
14 comments
You sound like a fucking slave of ancient dogmas.
I respect your message to God. People sometimes have difficulty writing something like this on sites like this one because of the fact that people like this dredd guy will just come along and piss all over it with things like “You sound like a fucking slave of ancient dogmas” or “Your God doesn’t exist” or things like it. That aside…
I too look for answers and action from God. I mean the first time I went to see a psychologist was before I even went to school because of feelings of depression and anxiety. Why let a little kid experience adult feelings like that at such a young age. Although i got a bit better over time there would be times when I felt the anxiety and depression surface again. I’ve been experiencing anxiety and a depressed mood for years now. There has not been a year where i did not seriously consider suicide. But then i would just shove on with my life trying to do what needs to be done. It took me a lot longer to get the degrees i needed to get a decent okay paying job and now…now i sit with all of this “knowledge” and can’t seem to find a place that would take me on. And then I pray and ask God “please God, I don’t know what is going on out there, I don’t know where to look or what to do. I’m trained for one thing and cant find a job that will suits me or even one that doesn’t suit me. But You God, You know all, so You can work out something for me, that You know will be perfect for me so that I don’t feel this sadness and depression anymore but feel that I have a purpose in life and that I’m worth something”.
I know religion is a tender matter. But sometimes I too wonder if God is out there. I mean it’s easy to praise God when you life is all sunshine and roses. It’s normally these kind of people that throws God in your face and might think that your faith is weak and you don’t trust God enough. You know there was a time in my school years that people actually teased me because of my faith in God. And still I did not give up on God even the things they said and done to me was horrible and made me feel sad. The sadness we feel day after day makes us question God’s plan for us. It takes us further away from Him because we are so angry that He would just leave us feeling like we feel. Why would He do this to people like me and you. Why should things be so bad. Can’t something just for once led up so that we can get a freakn break from all of this.
And then you think, Wow now I must be a bad christian. I’m questioning God, but then again can you blame me? I don’t know if He is really doing anything to help me. What is he busy with and when will my suffering end? Why won’t you hear my prayers? Please God just give me release. I don’t want to die, but I’m am not willing to live like this.
If God does not exist, like our friend dredd believes, then I really don’t want to be here anymore. Then everything is truly for nothing. And I can understand Dredd’s kind of thinking as well. I mean if God exists, then why would He allow people to do horrible things, like allow parents to molest and starve their children. Why would people go hungry and die horrible death that God could stop? Why if i’ve always tried to be a good person who doesn’t steel, rape, kill and put people down for no reason at all, why if I really do my best to do all these things and stay true….why do I have to keep feeling like this? What is the freakn point. Maybe when I die I’ll be able to ask God these things. And if He doesn’t exist. Then my heart will broken, even more than it is already.
I hope you are okay where you are and that you know that you are not alone. There a millions that feel like you feel now. We just have to try and keep going. and hope that God will bring us some relief, one way or another.
You are ready to kill yourself to talk to god and your heart is broken if he doesn’t exist?
What makes you think he will talk to you when you’re dead when he didn’t while you’re alive? Talk about fucked up.
I’m not gonna argue with you. not here. Hope you are doing okay yourself dredd. I really do.
I got nothing against you. Just the idea stuck in the brain of yours.
And don’t try to sound sarcastic in your wishes cause I can see past it.
The only thing that keeps most people alive that write their thoughts on site like these is the idea of hope. The hope that something will give. That something nice will happen to them that gives them a reason to live. I have to hope that God is out there working on something that would give me a reason to live. That’s my hope. If I had to believe that there is nothing then there is really nothing to live for. nothing. I mean we come to these sites for help. Just to hear that ya, life is going to hell for me right now, but at least im not the only in the entire world that is experiencing these damn feelings.
Now look at the person that started this post in the first place. Fine you don’t believe in God. That’s your right to believe it and many others believe it when they look at their lives and the shit they have to go through. But have you written a post to try and give the author of this post any kind of help? Just telling the person that “Hay friend, I know the feeling of hopelessness but just try to keep going. Just hang in there. Things must start to go better at some point”. Isn’t it the idea of this site. To give hope to some one else or just let them know that some one else a world away is thinking of them. If you won’t write something uplifting then why write anything at all?
You can write something uplifting without even refering to the person’s religion. Give a little hope, don’t take it away. I don’t have anything against you either. I know you hurt. I hurt too. We all do. That is why we are here.
That’s the idea of religion to make you think it’s the only thing that provides hope and you can’t exist without it.
Also it encourages victimization like worshiping an imaginary designer of some “divine plan” while seeing all the crazy shit going on. That’s slavery. To love a master no matter what the master is like.
Besides what kind of god has hard time responding while a person like me does not?
So no these kinds of beliefs do not deserve respect. Nor will I stop fighting against this ultimate wickedness and ultimate stupidity. It’s for your own good.
I honestly was not trying to sound sarcastic. I honestly know that you and me have something in common. We both are going through some serious shit right now. I feel things I would never ever wish on my worst enemy. I promise you my feelings and what i say is real. I also know that the last thing people wanna hear when they feel like crap is how much God loves you and cares for you and he has a plan and just wait and wait and what ever other cliche you can think of. When I say “Dredd I hope things looks better for you tomorrow” I can tell you that I mean it. Just because I did not want to start a fight when some would expect a fight does not mean I’m being fake. I’m not.
I did go through shit but that was long ago. But even if I would kill myself this second I would not change a single word in things I said or done.
As for the fight it’s not a fight against you it’s a fight against harmful superstitious ideas which will not end until we get rid of them.
the poster’s message was to “God”…. silly peeps
Did you know: scientists believe that Earth is only moderately habitable? That is to say, our planet is not “ideal,” for life, but many planets in the cosmos are more, “ideal.” The implication here should be obvious – God’s hanging out with the cool kids on planet Ideal, while we’re stuck wallowing on planet Mediocre.
No one is given a cross that they can not bear…
I actually despise religion. Religion is not faith, it is hope founded upon ritual. It is not eternal security, it is believing in the power of deeds and submission to earn a favorable outcome after death. Religion is not really founded upon grace and mercy, it is more founded upon guilt. I don’t enslave myself in ancient dogma but I can’t help but to seek knowledge, wisdom and freedom through spirituality; be it a connection with a higher power, a greater awareness and experience through the paranormal or things like OBE’s, intuition and empathy. I suppose in simple terms, I am a misguided Indigo that through weakness once became lost in a flock of other sheep. But through the honing of truth and pain I found there is more – much more that we cannot or will not understand. I just find it terribly ironic that most religions claim faith and redemption through a Deity abounding in love but that seems to be telling its followers they are inherently evil and if their own free will compels them to trample each other to death, then it must be divine. Maybe I am just confounded by the irony of the oppression of people that live their lives with concern, love and respect for others and the seemingly blissful peace, contentment and joy in the loves of those that go through life smashing others like bugs to fulfill their own dreams. Life just seems like such a pathetic waste. Maybe for some, that is all there is.