Because of you.

I didn’t go to prom because of you. I didn’t get my scholarships because of you. I was suicidal because of you. That fake pregnancy scare we had? Your fault. I spent every penny I had because of you. I ruined my relationship with my grandmother because of you. I stole because of you. I thought of being unfaithful because of you. I turned against God because of you. I cried over my online relationship because you couldn’t be good enough for me for me to forget. I graduated with the lowest plan possible because of you, when I was on track to be the top in the school. I’d be in college right now if you hadn’t dragged me down. I lost my part in the opera, my favorite thing, because of you. I skipped school because of you. I wouldn’t have been so money crazy if you would have been able to care for me. My credit score sucks because you screwed me over. I can’t get into school now because you dragged me down.  I lost everything because of you. I never gave up on you because you begged me not to.

Makes sense, huh? It’s all your fault. Everything negative that happened to me, and everything I did that hurt people, it’s all your fault.

And in whatever lifetime that all makes sense, it’ll make sense that you killed yourself because of me.

I didn’t go to prom because I was so hung up on you after we broke up. I didn’t get my scholarships because I didn’t try for them. I was suicidal because my first relationship was all a lie. I faked the pregnancy because I was young and foolish. I spent every penny I had on you because I wanted to give you things you never had. I ruined my relationship with my grandmother because I stole from her. I stole because I thought I’d get away with it. I thought of being unfaithful because I wasn’t strong enough to tell you I wanted out of the relationship. I turned against God because I grew up in an atheist household. I cried over my online relationship because she LIED to me for 5 years. I graduated with the lowest plan possible because I lost track of my priorities. I’d be in college if I would have taken care of my business. I lost my part in the opera because I didn’t practice. I skipped school because I was lazy. I wouldn’t have been so money crazy if I would have chosen happiness over wealth. My credit score sucks because I let my bills pile up. I can’t get into school because I stopped trying. I lost everything because I let myself lose sight of what really mattered. I never gave up on you because I believed in you.

I’m not to blame for your death. And you’re not to blame for any of those things I did. I screwed up. You screwed up. But you aren’t to blame for all of my mistakes. Now tell your “friends”, your “brothers” to stop blaming me for you taking your own life.

Oh, that’s right. You can’t. Because I made you kill yourself.

Makes sense, huh…

We all make mistakes… but what would you do if you had one person who’s always been on your side, but she/he still wasn’t enough to keep you from choosing to take your own life, and after your death EVERYONE YOU THOUGHT KNEW YOU THE BEST BLAMED that person for your death?

Every day I get the reminder how it’s my fault he’s dead. It’s my fault he wrapped the belt around his neck. It’s my fault he climbed up on the chair. It’s my fault he didn’t kick the door handle open before he lost consciousness.

I made mistakes.  But it’s not my fault he’s gone. So why are they all blaming me? Why can’t I go one day without getting dirty looks… Where are you to protect me like I did for you? Why did you abandon me when I never left you alone?

Why am I even still here… Why couldn’t you just kill me first…