few months later and I still feel horrible

This is my second post on this site and again I am speaking of my girlfriend that broke up with me a few months ago. For a background on the situation please read my previous post to save me explaining it in this one.

So far life has got worse and worse, the last time I was happy was October 19th last year when I took her to a hotel and the rest for her bday which was on the 6th but I was busy working (to get more money to spend on her for her bday). I hadn’t spoke to her since the 12th of December but a few days ago she added me on Snapchat which surprised me and after spending the whole day wondering why she had added me, I accepted the request. I finally worked up the courage to ask her why she had added me (I still get butterflies in my stomach at even the thought of talking to her and I was also terrified of how the conversation would go) She said she added me because there was a constant symbol suggesting to add me so she thought “f*** it” and to get rid of the symbol. We started speaking a little and I told her I was having a lot of problems in life, she told me her life was going pretty good, she was going out with friends a lot, studying a lot at college and that she was happy in her new relationship. She then told me that she wasn’t planning on talking to me which I didn’t understand as she had added me. We spoke a bit more about our health and I told her a few of the problems I was facing however it was late so she ended up falling asleep. After another near sleepless night, I woke up to her reply in the morning. We spoke more normally and then about problems I’m facing, I told her a bit of how I felt that I’m incredibly alone and have no one to comfort me or make me feel better unlike her who was dating another guy straight away and having a happy life with not a single bad thing in it. I didn’t speak to her because she was at college and then seeing her new boyfriend and we agreed that me and her speaking was something no one needed to know and wasn’t anyone’s business. Earlier on tonight, when she was home and we started speaking, I told her that I could possibly be friendly with her as long as her new boyfriend was never mentioned to me and that we keep it between us that we’re speaking. We started speaking a bit normal but it then got to a subject that included him etc. I then opened up to her more than I have anyone on the planet and I told her something I haven’t told anyone. Then I started feeling worse and worse. I then told her my biggest secret, I’ll paste the exact message I sent her now:

I’m terrified to death. Underneath me acting strong and like I can handle anything, I know I can’t and I was 100% sure cancer would finish me the first time never mind the second. I’ve locked up so much inside that it makes me feel sick. I’m terrified that come my bday this year I’m probably gonna be in a wheelchair if I even survive till then. I love to not care what people think but at the end I always feel so alone an constantly wonder if me surviving had any point because it cost me my life overall. I am terrified of dying. But most of all I’m terrified of life because the only person who ever made any sort of happiness for me is gone. The person who held my hand when I was shaking scared about operations. I can’t go through any of it anymore cos I’ve never felt so alone and helpless, I’m gonna be having a rare operation that might not even work and all I will wake up to is a chair and an empty room.

She’s fallen asleep and not seen the message so she might reply in the morning but I’m scared of what she’ll say. Everyday is the same for me and it’s horrible, I keep getting one problem after another, it’s possible that my cancer is returning, my AVN disease has almost destroyed my bones completely and I’ll need major surgery this year which might not even work because less than 100 people have this disease in the whole of the UK and I can’t remember the numbers for EU or USA. The surgery will likely take away my ability to walk and cause me more pain than I’m currently in. There are many more things going on but I think I’d need another post to list all of them. I feel hopeless to her, I am miserable in every way possible and I just get worse. I can’t sleep and what little sleep I do get I end up having a dream about her in some way (14 nights in a row I’m counting) everyday I think of her and miss her and it isn’t getting any better for me. Her life is going great and she barely thinks of me and doesn’t miss me. I need her in my life so badly and I need her help, I just wish she would hold my hand and be there for me as she is the only person that ever has. I’m terrified of what’s to come and I’ve never felt so alone. I can’t escape this horrible life and I can’t keep up much longer, if I’m being completely honest I hope the cancer finishes me off