Nobody understands, I don’t understand it myself.
I don’t open up to anybody and don’t feel the need too, I think I can talk about my problems and work out my problems in my head and for a while, its worked. It worked up until this point, the point I realize I have absolutely nothing. Its taken me all these years, all those times when I thought I was better, All those pills prescribed for something that I didn’t quite understand myself, I just thought I was normal, being in touch with my feelings was normal, everything was normal.
To make matters worse, I started using drugs, cannabis for the most part, I’m using Valium to sleep, sometimes stilnox, whatever I can get my hands on at the time, I need pills to go out into public, I go out into public and see everyone living a great life (they’re probably suffering too) but I don’t understand why they’re so content with their life, never wanting to end it, thinking that its not normal to end it.. I thought all my life that it was completely normal, that everyone thinks about it.. My time is running real thin, I just know it is.. I’ve been telling myself that its not and I’ve felt like this before and I got through it, But I’m not going to make it this time. A few nights ago it was raining and I drove to a secluded area which my family used to come together for lunch on our grandmothers birthday, Found a tree and hung my rope. I sat in the rain looking at the rope for the better part of 2 hours, Thinking that this is what my life has come to, This is how it ends. I don’t understand what made me feel this way.. I was never bullied, I did the bullying. I never really failed or had a hard childhood, my parents loved me very much. I had so much, coming from a richer family we had basically whatever we wanted.. This is why I don’t understand where the issue came from.. I was told I have a chemical imbalance at a young age. I never understood this. Not one bit. I thought I was normal..
The more days that pass, the harder it is the keep going, I went to the rope the day after, I parked in front of it again, there was the land owner and a police car removing the rope, making jokes about how pathetic a person would have to be to do this, that they hope the person continues suffering and next time should jump off into the ocean so they don’t have to clean up the mess..
Nobody wants anyone like me or you here, they all say the do and that they’d miss us all so much but honestly? They wouldn’t. Nobody wants you or I here, even if they do, after a few years they’ll get over the pain of us not being here and fill in their time doing something else..
I’m going to end it tonight, its 11:35pm, I’m going to do it, as soon as I post this I’m driving, I just thought that somehow once they found my body, they could possibly trace this back to me, somehow.
Goodbye everyone, remember, nobody is special, nobody gets to live a happy life, nobody gets to “get better and move on” because the pain is always there, the thoughts are always there, everything that you feel comes back, if you’re going to kill yourself, do it, like me.
Thank you for the few of you that decide to read all this
6 comments
If you’re still here, yes you have a chemical imbalance. When your outer world is as good as you described and you have thoughts and feelings like you do that seemingly come from nowhere that’s what it is. That’s the way I get when I drink a ton of alcohol. Not when I’m drinking but for the next two days. Luckily I cause it myself and it’s not a constant thing. Anti depressants might help balance the chemicals in your brain and take away those thoughts. If you’re feeling as bad as you are and you don’t know where the thoughts are coming from it’s worth a try.
GraviT ,
interesting a lot of what you feel like is how I feel, reality is life is a ***** if you expect to much, it’s about you not others, you doing what you want to do, live for yourself be brave, although I feel just like you this weekend I thought about but what the hell what’s another week? you got the guts to do it so why not try thoughs guts on something else? go out meet a person and have a good time 🙂
Yeah, it sucks to see a poor bastard like GraviT who could have gotten medication and counseling in order to fight his depression. He could have gotten friends to help him. But instead he looked on the bad side of everything, dwelled on it, and let it kill him.
I have always thought that i was normal, too. It was my way of living it. Today i had an argument with my mother and she spit it out, she yelled it, that i wasn’t normal. I wasn’t “balanced”. What is that supposed to mean, anyway..
I’m obviously unbalanced, chemically or psychologically. I often think about suicide, i’m often depressed, and if that is a serotonin lack or my personal view of things, it doesn’t make a single difference.
Nobody is going to accept me for what i am, not even my parents. I forgive them, i’d probably do the same for them. I used to think about which girl i should start hitting on, but now that i do have a person that is truthfully bound to me, i can’t begin a relationship. I used to hang out like a fucking drug addict and be friend with everyone, now i’m in my room in a saturday afternoon, thinking about what is left of my life.
Through it all, i won’t ever commit suicide. I think suicide is the act of who has not accurately understood death.
I hope you read this, peace
rocketman1000,
forget the drugs, they don’t help in the long run, just be yourself, light a fire under your ass and get out there, your normal just depressed, switch it up, smile, don’t expect anything from anyone, complete a goal, my goal is to meet a young lady today and shave her bald!!! well it won’t change the world but its fun! 🙂 going now see ya!
Sigh..