I could lie and say that everything gets better and life is amazing but that wouldn’t help. 3 Days ago I made a decision to take my own life, I bought a bunch of painkillers and vodka and thought I wanted to die… it didn’t work and I spent 2 days in the hospitals poison ward attached to a drip with a needle sticking outta my hand, I had to listen to my families reaction over a phone call and it killed me having to hear what I did to them, I will never forget the sounds of my mum crying, not knowing what happened. Luckily im fine but im sure a lot of you are going through what I did. Thinking back now I realize that I have always lied to others, saying that im ok, painting a “smile” on my face everyday, trying my best to make others think that im “normal”, but most importantly ive lied even to myself pretending that im ok and things would get better. Now I know that all my life I have been DEPRESSED, and lying about it to my family and myself just made things 100x worse, its so easy to think that tomorrow will be better but with depression its almost never the case. I know how it feels to not want to get up all day, to lie in bed while everyone calls you lazy, to cry myself to sleep almost every night worrying about the day that the worlds gonna come crashing down and losing control.
Now im looking back at my life, wondering where things all went wrong but honestly I cant think of one time ive been truly happy… For once in my life I cant lie to myself, I haven’t been ok and happy, ive been sad, broken and holding on for dear life from a thin strand of life. I’ve been told that accepting you have a problem is the first step to fixing it, I couldn’t agree more but at the time its hard to accept a problem when you don’t even realize yourself that you have one.
To all of you who feel sad, lonely, depressed, alone, desperate, suicidal, unable to cope all I can say is that don’t make my mistake, don’t risk taking your own life before realizing that you have a problem… depression is nothing to be ashamed about and I can promise you that your family will care. If you feel like your alone and no one understands, there are a lot of people who are going through exactly the same situation and will want to help!
Im still at an early stage of my recovery and id be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, im crapping myself, but now I know that I have a problem and god damn im not gonna let this disease take my life from me… yes im going to therapy and I have to start taking anti depressants but I cant get any lower than I am, the only way is up!
I love you all, please don’t make the same mistakes as I did because you will regret them.