One day I’m gonna lose the war. Bradley Nowell, lead singer of one of my favorite bands sang these words. Sublime’s song poolshark is an amazing song I have played on my guitar and sang quite a bit. He was addicted to heroin. he eventually died on May 25, 1996.
I offten find myself singing theese words and thinking to myself, yep, it’s gonna happen to me. I’m going to lose the war, not with drugs, but rather depression. I choose not to drink or do drugs, because I don’t need that.
Today I took a test that once passed, you can graduate from high school. I failed. I can retake it one more time, but if not passed, I will have to graduate next year. What’s the point, though? I can’t concentrate on anything, am losing motivation to live, and overall, am just very empty. Not to mention, parents always seem to be upset with me for one thing or another which doesn’t help matters.
One thing I have noticed is that I need to hang out more with people. Trouble is, people my age don’t really want to hang out with me. I understand why, I’m different. People are often scared or unsure by something or someone that is different. I’m lonely, need to do more I guess.
But lately, I have been thinking. Even if I don’t graduate on time, why does it matter? I mean, it will crush me, but really, what does life have to offer? Next, you go to college, and you do the same shit. Study, study, study, and study some more. People say it is better. It’s supposed to prepare you for a good job. Yeah, funny how most people work and are unhappy. Sounds like a pretty great life to me, don’t you think? As far as I can see, it doesn’t seem like it. I haven’t been happy in quite some time, and how is that going to change? Yes, I’m aware that you are the only one in control of your happiness, but this is one thing I can’t fix. I don’t feel attractive, lovable, smart, or really that great. I haven’t felt those feelings in years. And I don’t see that changing.
If happiness can not be achieved, why live a life? I mean, I already am a burden to tax payers, and I hate that. Wouldn’t it be better if I were gone? I mean people are generally wrotten, and I don’t want to burden others by being alive. With the way people behave, how am I ever supposed to meet good friends or that woman of which I’ve been trying to find? People my age, generally don’t want a woman as much as I do, but that is a topic of another discussion. But I do, and from what people have said, “it will take a special kind of woman to love me”, one that doesn’t exist.
So here I come to the end of this post, and tell you, one day I’m gonna lose the war. A life without happiness doesn’t seem like a great life. I can’t continue this battle for much longer. And I’m looking for methods again. for me, I’m just not seeing the point anymore.
One day I’m gonna lose the war.
2 comments
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly. to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open.” Martha Graham
Well I won’t say life is grand past high school cause it’s not. For everyone it’s a roller coaster all the way through of ups and downs. As far as work you’ll be happier doing a job or having a career you enjoy. Most people don’t make a point of finding that and therefore are unhappy…it’s not working in general that is the problem. I got fired and I was the happiest person probably ever to be fired because I was miserable working for the company I was working for…it was like being let out of prison! lol The good news is you are young with all the choices in front of you…a blank canvas to go in any career direction you are interested in. At 41,I wish I could go back to graduating high school and do a lot of things, make a lot of choices differently. Life would be very different today.
I too have always have felt awkward around people my own age…I have always had a better report with people 10 years or more older than me going all the way back to high school so you’re not alone there.
There’s a lot to look forward to being an adult though, a lot of great experiences to be had you don’t want to miss out on I assure you.