I get tired of hearing that things will get better, just give it time, etc. Maybe they will get better or maybe they won’t, none of us can tell the future, but what about the time in-between? What about barely getting through the days and the nights, constantly hurting and wanting to die?  What if you just can’t take that anymore? I have waited and waited and waited and nothing has gotten better. Just when I think that it will get better for once, it all gets taken away.
I can barely get through everyday. I am constantly on the verge of tears. I cannot take this pain anymore. I have completely lost all hope that things will get better, I just can’t believe it will. I have no hope about anything anymore.
I have tried to kill myself in the past. Actually, that’s not true. The times when I have overdosed I wasn’t really trying to die, I was trying to escape. I have constant suicide ideation though, and this time when I try to kill myself it won’t be for an escape, I truly do want to die this time. I have it planned out already, I have bottles of potassium chloride tablets and I have written letters to everyone that have been a part of my life.
I am so sad and so lonely and I can’t live this way anymore. I can’t live with the mistakes I have made and knowing that I will be haunted for the rest of my life by the past. I can’t live a life all alone. I’ve tried and tried and tried everything I can to make things better and it just doesn’t work. Knowing that I have the option to end my life is really the only thing that gives me comfort.
If anyone feels the same, or someone has any words of encouragement or comfort, I would like to hear from you. Because I’m still trying, I always try. But I only have the tiniest bit of fight left in me and the next time I get upset I know I will give up.
8 comments
I…I had a young girl give up and commit suicide while I talked to her last night. I let her email me in good faith, thinking I could help her through the immense pain she’s experienced (trust me, there were a lot of bad things that happened with her) but in the end she turned my own help against me, and bent me to her will. You can say I’m losing faith as well, if people can so easily just…end it all…then my honeyed words or thoughtful comments don’t mean shit.
In any event, I’m good company and speak with a couple of other SP users on more private terms and have so far enjoyed very productive friendships with them all. If you wish to have some company or someone to listen to you, I’ll be here for you.
That little bit ot fight in you? You use it until your dying breath. Take care, Miss.
@TMS; Life consists of a series of choices. We are all captains of our own ship, and people are going to do what they’re planning on doing whether we like it or not. It was nice of you to attempt to intervene – you seem like a genuinely nice guy- but you can’t hold yourself responsible for another persons actions, especially if all you did was listen. Chances are she already had her mind made up before she met you. These things happen.
@C4
Acknowledged, thanks for that anyway. She said so herself that if I were there earlier in her life she wouldn’t have reached that point…but yeah, like those Italian mobsters say: “Fugheddaboutit…” or something to that effect.
That’s all I can do, really.
I’m gonna have to fight forever. Is it possible to become a emotional masochist. Is it possible to live by loving the pain caused from that stuff. I need to live but I don’t see how its possible.
I’ve been that emotional masochist. It’s awful living that way too.
How did you find out? Maybe at the very least she died knowing that at least someone in the world cared about her. I hope you can rid yourself of the guilt, and I am sorry that happened.
Eventually we will all be free, oh wait what if there is a next life and its worse than this. Thats not possible. It could be equal though.
Boy, I can relate to the first half of this.
I’m glad you still have fight left.
I’d like to talk privately. Dallaner@yahoo.com
I’ll be waiting.