Life is a battle that we all must eventually lose. Each and every one of us is constantly at war. Fighting for survival. Some have a more difficult battle to fight and some lose before they’re ready…
I guess what I’m saying is that life is difficult. There are so many risks. People die everyday… A lot of people. Death is a part of life. It’s inevitable, but sometimes it comes too soon. The lives of peoples children, peoples mothers or fathers are taken every day without a choice. And here I am… Wanting to throw it away… and for what? What would I benefit from killing myself? That’s the same as giving up. Surrendering. But, I don’t want to surrender. I want to continue to fight no matter how difficult the battle gets. I must continue to fight.
At the moment, I feel strong. I feel determined. For once I actually feel like I have a chance. There’s a window right now..and if I don’t take it… Well I’m not sure when the next window will come. Chances are, it’ll be too late.
Having said this… Yes, I may be determined and I may feel strong but… I’m still scared. I don’t know if this will work. All I want is to be happy. It’s all I’ve ever wanted…
I know that I probably haven’t felt like this for as long as some people… It’s only really been a year. I do believe that this is the result of everything that has happened since my seventh birthday. But I never really cared until last year. I just continued to push through until… eventually I just felt like I as going to explode. Everything has piled up. All my problems in one giant mountain that I just can’t seem to get over. I’m willing to try, though. I want to try.
Pain demands to be felt. It demands to be seen and known. You can’t ignore it. With battle, comes pain. You can choose to give in to that pain or to keep fighting despite how much it hurts.
At the moment, I am in pain. Emotionally and physically. I’m embarrassed and scared and I’d like nothing more than to curl up under my blanket and sleep all day. But I can’t. I need to fight.
I’m a survivor. I’m a warrior. I can do this.
We all can…
1 comment
You speak with the words of a soldier; I should know.
I admire your courage in the face of overwhelming odds, your “no surrender” mentality is a rarity in todays youth when placed in conjunction with what most consider “everyday living”. I’m glad you say you’re a survivor, because it’s a well known fact that the best advice and tactics come from those who survived. In saying that: I suggest you conduct serviceability checks on your person/kit, and be prepared for the battles ahead, soldier!
Boo-yah…