I’ve tried not to be depressed, and I’ve tried not to let suicidal thoughts creep back into my mind. Â One tenet of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that if someone can change the way he or she thinks that will affect their behavior–sort of the scientific version of the power of positive thinking.
When I was released from the hospital and my residential treatment program I could relate to CBT. Â It was last July that I transitioned to out-patient treatment. Â For so long I haven’t had suicidal thoughts. Â But that’s changing, and I’m thinking more and more of killing myself. Â (There I said it.) Â Being hospitalized and going through residential treatment were devasting to my family. Â They were so concerned, and I was sorry for what I did to them. Â I never want them to go through that again.
Yesterday after work my oldest daughter and my wife and I went out. Â My wife’s known for several days that I’ve been depressed. Â I haven’t told her about my suicidal thoughts. Â At dinner I we talked to my daughter, and I told her that I was depressed–but all right. Â Immediately she said how worried she was. Â Maybe she thought she would have to go through the same anguish as she did last year.
The lesson is that I should keep my depression to myself. Â I’m even worried that if I open up to my therapist he’ll want to have me readmitted.
I’ve had cancer early in my life. Â This is worse. Â If I had the courage to kill myself when I was youger I wouldn’t have had a family and a loving wife. Â And if they never knew me then they wouldn’t have to share this with me.
I fucking hate myself.
2 comments
Please dont hate yourself.
Please understand if your family did not have you there would be nothing of them. If you would have killed yourself, your wife would have never had a loving husband nor would your daughter be here to enjoy life.
Dont feel your condition is of a burden to them. They love you, they care for you and of course they will worry. Your an extremely major part of their life and they only want to preserve that. Your apart of them. They just dont want to see thier loved one in pain.
Im sure they want to help. Dont keep yourself bottled up. It will just lead to problems in the future. They should not nor will judge you becuase you are in pain. Im sure they will be there to see through you are helped and recover from this illness.
Please have faith in them.
Allow them into your life and mind.
Let them understand you so they can help you. In turn you will help soothe their worries and fears. This pain hurts more than yourself, it hurts everyone around. But im sure your family will more than be willing to help rid this pain.
You will think of suicide. Its normal for some in your stature. But its time to change and take back your life. Its time to counter those thoughts with ones that will be beneficial. Do it for yourself and do it for your family.
Never be ashamed to admit your in pain and need help.
Your only human.
Its ok.
Im sorry.
Please take care.
Do you really need to be hospitalized? If you threat your problems with a psychologist or a psychiatrist it could be very helpful without hurting your family.
I think you should yes, protect your child about your depression problem but you shouldn’t keep it for yourself.
Your wife is with you because she loves you. And knowing that, you should ask her help to work this out.
If there is something that worked once, it could work again. If this Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worked for you, try it again. Not in the hospital of course, but try it again for your own. There is google for help you nowadays.
Best lucky man! Stand Tall!