What hurts is waking up everyday, hoping it will be different. Hoping that someone will treat you perfectly, and that no one is going to fight. It hurts to wake up and walk around knowing that one day you won’t be here, and that it won’t change anything. Everyone will move on, (if anyone even cared to begin with), and it won’t affect the tiny, seemingly perfect and mysterious subject that is ‘life’. It hurts to wake up from a dream where you were loved with the deepest love imaginable.
-But what hurts the most?
Spending every second of your life in full realization that everyone thinks you’re happy. They think that just saying “No, you aren’t bad at that..” or “No you are not ugly..” will make your day; will “turn that frown upside down”. What it really does; nothing. It makes you feel helpless because you realize that there really is nobody around you who is just like you, one and the same, hurting like you are. There is nobody around you that understands, so you have to fake everything, every single second of your puny, insignificant life.
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-“Don’t kill yourself, that’s so selfish. Think of everyone who it’ll affect, because they actually cared!”
-A great and powerful scoff was heard echoing around the world- Seriously, this is the most said thing to those who have problems with their lives. “Don’t do it, you are selfish.” Yeah, that’ll stop them. “Suiciders: 0 Â – Idiots:Â 1″
So call me selfish, go ahead and do it. It’s not going to make me hate myself anymore than I already do, it’s not going to change anything, it’s not going to make you a better human that I am. I want to kill myself because I hate me. I hate who I am; who I’ve become. I used to be so sweet, so innocent and care-free. I don’t know what changed or where I went wrong, but boy, did I go wrong.
You see, the thing is..
..I just want to stop existing, but you can’t do that without dying, and I’m too afraid to die; too much of a coward to die. It doesn’t even matter how much I want to, it’s the plain and simple fact that I can’t.
I can’t kill myself,
I can’t do anything anymore.
I’m stuck in an in-between
And that’s what hurts.
2 comments
Two questions, how can everyone think you are so happy if they say those things to you? How long has it been since you were so happy and carefree?
1)Well, I guess they thought I was happy because I’m always smiling, y’know? Being sad doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to laugh or have good moments, I guess.
2)The last time I was happy and carefree would have to be before a really bad incident with my brother, which was when I was seven or eight, so it’s been quite a few years.