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Daily fight

by karenation
written by karenation

I’m 24 years old Ive had suicidal thoughts since I was 12. Ive tried to kill myself 3 times, but only the third time sent me to the hospital. in the first time I took a lot of sleeping pills and I only slept for over 24 hrs. in the second time I took a whole bottle of pain killers like Tylenol, I threw up nonstop for 6 to 7 hrs. there are periods of time when my suicidal thoughts seem to be gone, but they always come back. I’ve been contemplating suicide a lot lately and I’m just afraid I will fail like the other times and the people around me will be upset.  The thing that impact my Life the most and causes me to have such low self steem is having lost my Mom when I was 4 years old. the most frustrating thing about it is I don’t even know how she died and the one and only person who knows won’t fucking tell me. my thoughts got even worse when my dad died when I was 16. I just really don’t find the point of living, I try but  just can’t. I have stopped caring about my personal appearance, I do take showers but I don’t do my make up and definetely don’t care to put on a nice outfit. I just to enjoy cooking and baking and I don’t anymore. I just do not what to do, I feel like im losing my mind fightinag these thoughts and every day It feels like im getting closer to give in

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6 comments

ninth_amendment 3/27/2014 - 3:50 pm

You poor thing. Seriously, that’s not at all meant sarcastically. I really feel for you. I’m terribly sorry for your losses, and even more sorry that you long for closure.

I struggle with bouts like you describe, where (at times in the past) I’ve given up things that I love to do. It was okay in time though, because the things I REALLY loved, I have managed to work back in to my life.

You’ll find your way, just don’t act on impulse.

*hugs*

karenation 3/28/2014 - 3:44 pm

Thank you. I’ve been cooking for the last few days and that’s probably the only time I don’t feel so suicidal. I wish I could stay in the kitchen all day long.

Randall 3/27/2014 - 5:07 pm

It is a daily struggle. I don’t know why that is. Maybe it’s this society we’ve created. The media throws “beautiful people” in our faces, athletes making millions per year, millionaires, billionaires, and 99.9 % of us aren’t anywhere near that. Most of us live in poverty and wonder what we’re going to eat today.

I’m sorry to hear about your mom and dad. I don’t even know what to say, but I’m sorry that happened to you and to them. Be Strong karenation…be strong you are not alone.

karenation 3/28/2014 - 3:49 pm

Thanks for your words of support. I know I’m not alone, but I constantly feel like I am. I know there are people who love me but they do not understand how I feel so that’s what makes me feel this way. I have a kind heart which people have taken advantage of. I don’t hate any one. It just makes me very upset when people take advantage

bayareaguy 3/27/2014 - 5:24 pm

Randall is right, IMO….our society has stripped away just about all compassion for others and all passion for life…..and it’s been done to keep the rich, rich and vilify the poor…..and to keep the Kardashians on TV!!!!! Sorry….

Karenation….I pretty much stayed in bed all through the holidays, my depression was so crippling. I identify with your pain. I had to keep telling myself “you don’t WANT to die, you WANT the pain to END!” It was a real battle to stay alive.

I found a book….a book by a man named Kevin Hines….he is one of only 30 people to have survived an attempt by jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge (my method of choice)…it’s his autobiography entitled “Cracked, Not Broken.” It helped me. I just might help you…who knows? It’s worth a shot.

We, those who fight this battle all day, every day, are a unique society, all to ourselves….we….YOU…are NOT alone.

karenation 3/28/2014 - 3:33 pm

I’m not a big fan of holidays either at all. They just make me sad.Even though I got my siblings and other family members to celebrate with. I just can’t bring myself to enjoy them. You know like my body is there but my mind is completely somewhere else. Family and friends don’t think what happened to me while I was little should affect me this much, so I just keep my feelings to myself most of the time.Thank you for the book advice, definitely look into it. As you say it might be worth the shot.

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