Drifting through life one cigarette at a time

I can’t believe i’m here, after 20 odd years on this years this is what I have to show for it. As I look back now all I see is wasted opportunities & a life spent wasting my time on menial tasks trying to please people that never really gave two shits about me. The nights I spent awake for them the sacrifices ivé made, DAMN. I should be able to fill my resume with everything ivé sacrificed for my so called friends. I don’t blame that, no. Im gonna be bigger then that but it still leaves a lingering feeling in my heart of why things had to turn out this way. I know I was a better person then most people give me credit for,. Maybe that was the problem, maybe being there for anyone & everyone made me seem like a weakling. Maybe i should have cared less & dissed more. I can’t help it, its not how i am wired, Even when I had a job I was on time & never complained all through the shitty pay & long hours & even when I got a high paying decent job I was never ungrateful or smug about it. Then why has this come to pass, i’m 24 yrs old single and sitting at home typing in my shorts wondering how everything went so wrong. I tried to kill my self last year 3 time but the rope just couldn’t do it fast enough & I ended up escaping, I know that doesn’t count as a real attempt but i got the scars on my neck to prove it. I was the most optimistic person you could ever meet, shit ppl used to talk to me just to feel better about themselves but where the f**k are they now?? Im sitting here all alone feeling like n emo teenager, I admit that last part was a bit too depressing to even imagine in my head. I wonder if there is a way to kill yourself without feeling any pain, if there is such a method im all up for it. Pills come to my mind but those are hard to come by and seem so expensive. Well maybe i’ll just sit here for awhile wondering about the huge waste that has been my life. Im a prime example of doing everything right and still getting screwed over.