I am not very good at this anymore but I didn’t know what else to do so here goes. I have spent the better part of the last 15 years thinking about suicide everyday. When I was young I actually attempted it a time or two. I used to talk about it, I used to write poetry and letters to deal with it, until one day it all blew up in my face. My “friends” Who “understood” all of a sudden didn’t anymore, my parents tried to have me committed, and my poems and letters were used against me. It all went to hell in a matter of seconds. So I turned it off, never talked about it, quit writing, quit drawing, stopped caring about anything. I got married, joined the military, got awards, commendations, everyone happy and proud, had a son, and through it all I felt nothing. I had to, all I know is depression. Now, I’m out of the military, trying to quit smoking, drinking less, all and all trying to allow myself to feel again. In the end all I want is to die. The sad part is I know logically it makes no cense, I know it’s illogical but it doesn’t matter it is all I think about. I’m not asking for advice or help. I don’t know what this is, all I know is I have to do something before I DO something.
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Even if your life looks good from the outside, the fact is, you’re not happy. Don’t look down on yourself for being depressed, we all have reasons. You mentioned getting married? Your significant other would be rather sad if you were gone, I bet. It gets better 🙂
I hear quite a bit of myself in what you have written. I hear you saying that you have been living your life in order to please everyone except yourself. You did some pretty big things to make them happy…joining the military, getting married and starting a family…those things are HUGE events in the lives of most people. So if those huge things have had the opposite effect on your spirit (did NOT make YOU happy), then it’s no wonder you are depressed and feel hopeless. You did all of those things because our society says they will make you happy and give you hope. You have kept on going, drawing water from the well….but now it’s dry, or very nearly so. After all of this sacrifice, putting others and their expectations of who and what you should be first, you need to put yourself first and be who and what you were born to be.
I think your life experiences may have given you some excellent tools to start doing that. May I be so bold as to make the suggestion that you examine what isn’t working in your life and choose one thing to work on changing. You can’t change everything at once and you can’t other people, but you can modify your actions and choices….and those changes might, and can, change people.
Example: Just a month ago I was so lost and as empty as a black hole that I went about tidying up my affairs in a very deliberate and intentional way so that my final exit would be as neat and tidy as possible. I even took money from my retirement fund to prepay my cremation. Part of my MDD includes a deep loneliness and feeling of isolation that can be crippling. Out of the blue I decided to change that in a way that no one saw coming. I believe God gave me the inspiration. I am moving to Puerto Vallarta in the fall, for 6 months, and getting out of a location that does not provide a solution to my loneliness. PV….it was there all along…I have friends down there, made over the course of 15-18 years of visiting the city. They are so excited about my upcoming move…so by changing one set of my circumstances, I can lay to rest the dragon of Loneliness….and I will have that to look forward to every year. I can control this.
Is there anything in your life that you can modify or change that might give you the desire to keep on going? Start small if you have to, or dare to be bold….but whatever you choose to work on, make it something that will bring you joy. And as trite as it may sound, please find someone to talk to. Perhaps there is another VET you trust that you can share with…..but please….talk to someone…
I respect and admire you for your selfless service to others and our country.