Disclaimer: I wrote this while contemplating suicide.
I wish I believed in God. If I did, perhaps I would be afraid of death. But death does not scare me; that is half the problem. If it did, I would be less likely to welcome it.
I love every one I spent my life up until now with, and gave so much of my time to. I don’t regret a thing.
If I ever were to leave this world, I’d want everyone to be happy – I want you all to know this.
If there was an end point, and I had no other option, I would leave peacefully.
When there’s a way out though, I’ll take it. A way out of this situation and a little fellow human support with understanding.
All I want and need is a life companion. Life seems almost impossible alone, when you’ve experienced what I have. With isolation, comes danger.
Maybe I’m too educated – that might be it. So educated, that God seems illogical. ‘Lack of evidence’. I do not want to follow religion now. I want now a human companion; not an imaginary companion.
Too mature for my time, perhaps.
But I have had the best of life. I have experienced laughter, excitement, satisfaction, pleasure. Sound similar – but they’re not. Each is a unique sensation and with it sublime happiness is experienced.
I do feel so much appreciation for my time here. I have had my fun, but also my tribulations.
I just don’t want to get caught in the mainstream.
If anything should happen – I want this to be known.
5 comments
I agree. The world is definitely made for 2 (meaning its better). But its still enjoyable alone.
Dont forget that having found your significant other can be a big headache too. Some people say its worse being in a relationship, you dont quite feel like being in, than being all alone. And looking at how many people there on earth right here, its save to say its pretty damn hard to find someone suitable.
Were you ever a believer or did you lose faith along the way?
The best companions are the ones who are beside you through thick and thin, yet you never really realise they are there. A mate of mine in the army always had my back, even when I thought he was somewhere else, he had this uncanny ability to materialise out of thin air and get me out of messy situations. Bless his soul, and his horrendous marksmanship.
I’d love nothing more than to share this life – our own adventure – with another person. I think most males crave female companionship, yet I crave it more for the adventures we could have and…well, I like to think I keep good company, even at the worst of times.
Best of luck to us both, isolation should never become the default. A buffer zone between the battlefield of love would be a better reference to it. Love or friendship, take your pick.
isolation has to be the default. There is no other choice. When you cannot gain and maintain the willingness of another, to be constantly in your company, or when you cannot find someone you even want to be around for a majority of your time… isolation is the only possibility.
Also: it’s illogical and/or irrational to fear death, if you believe in a god and a heaven.
It’s logical to fear hell, or to fear being stuck as a conscious disembodied spirit.
It’s logical to fear a permanent end to all awareness and sensation, and to never exist to experience anything ever again.
But people who believe they will “go to heaven,” should never fear death, because heaven is supposed to be better than anything we can possibly imagine. Which is part of why i think it’s so obviously false.
But yeah. I think that a realistic expectation of a life of involuntary celibacy and solitude is a perfectly valid and rational motivation for suicide. Not saying anyone “should” kill themselves… but isolated involuntary celibacy is not a life worth the effort to survive, and i would understand if anyone didn’t want to persist in such conditions. Regardless of how “stupid” or “pathetic” anyone may think it, that’s pretty much my reason. I can’t change what needs to change, and anything that can be fixed is not a big deal, because it could be fixed.
The problem is that i’m both unable and unwilling to live with what i cannot change. I realize that line will upset people… but that’s life. Which is yet another part of why i don’t want it anymore.
Yeah I’m incel too, honestly, this is mostly a male issue. Seeing as we’re expected to do all the approaching and all the courting. I know this is gonna piss some folks off but that’s not really my intention here. But really if you look at it our society in the west is becoming increasingly more anti-male in so many ways, family courts, laws, feminism gave women the option to be “strong and independent” and work a job, or, stay at home and be a house wife/mother, or whichever role benefits her at the moment. Whereas us guys are expected to be obligated to be protectors/providers, making us disposable utilities… There are a few stay-at-home dads but they are looked down on and scorned. I’d advise against any long term relationships or anything, especially marriage, it’s a big political trap for men. If she divorces you she can legally rob you blind through the courts.
Ironically in my mid-30’s women finally began paying attention to me, AFTER I could hardly even get an erection anymore because of smoking weed for so many yrs (like 20 yrs of being a pothead).