Hi folks:
I’m in a very tough situation, I have two trials pending and none of them will bring anything good to me. I could even end up in jail. May be for two years or more.
My idea is to CTB before it happens. I’ve practiced the compression method but it seems not to work at all. All I get is a swollen head feeling. This would be my only option in jail.
Meanwhile, I have a ******** tank here at home, waiting for me, but I never find the right moment to do it. My mum knows I have that ******** bottle, but the agreement is that I will use it only if trials go wrong and I’m supposed to use it in a hotel. But my idea is to carry on before that date and in home.
Don’t ask me why, but I never find the right moment to do it, there are moment where I know she’ll be out for an hour or more, but I don’t feel suicidal in those moments. Then I feel suicidal again but she’s at home and I can’t do it.
This is horrible, don’t know what to do or when.
49 comments
Why?
Because I don’t want to end up in jail, besides I don’t feel anything to live for
Well, first of all, it’s not certain yet you’d end up in jail.
Second, in the event that you do, you don’t know for how long.
Third, jails are overcrowded as it is.. even if you get 2 years, you might only have to spend a few months. It obviously is not something deadly serious if it involves only 2 years of jail time (hey politicians get 5 times that for taking bribes), and especially given the fact that you are not jailed now without bail.
Forth, can’t believe your mom has an agreement with you on suicide methodology.. seriously?!?
Man up and face it. Even if you end up in jail it would ONLY be temporary, and you could use your time there to take care of yourself – finish school or get a degree, learn a trade, or simply read and expand your intellect. Yes jail sucks, but people get in and most importantly – out every day.
@gillian Thank you for your point of view, looking at it like this doesn’t seem to be so unbearable. I’ll think more on my possibilities to do something useful there.
hey gillian, you need to consider the stigma of jail. Serving time is less than half the concern. Upon getting out is where the real challenges lurk. Getting a job, approval for credit and having references are some of the hurdles that convicts face. Just fyi, try not to downplay how life changing a prison term can be.
Three candidates are equally qualified for a bank position. “Applicant #1 is selected because she is a felon” said no one ever
@Bipolar American You’re right it carries many problems, not only the time in prison, but also an uncertain future
After being released, no one speaks about the difficulties that await you. It’s all things to consider. Try not to let gillian sugar coat and candy spray the reality of your future. Talk to your attorney, they will be straight shooters with you.
Bipolar, which one of your 2 personalities exactly is launching this laughable personal attack at me? of is it both of them at the same time (if so – congratulations!! unity awaits you!)
As I said before – if you’ve got nothing useful to say, do not pour your petty judgmental thoughts and depressive views out on the posters here. They’ve got enough issues as it is without you pouring gasoline on top.
Alvarito – uncertain future beats no future any time. That’s what I believe. Problems will always exist – bad or mediocre, it’s what life is all about. How we face them is what defines who we are. And last, but not least – your mom would SO much prefer jail visits than cemetery ones. You’ve done enough hurt by putting yourself in this situation, so maybe it’s time to start doing the right thing and not inflict more pain – not just on your mum, but mostly – on youself.
Alvarito, I don’t think anybody would suggest that life after prison would be like a Disney vacation. However, like many other things, TO SOME DEGREE it can be what you make of it. If you use your time while incarcerated to further yourself, you might have a better chance than someone who goes in, serves their time, and does nothing else.
There is no simple answer to your future… Prison is certainly a variable to contend with. The more you do between now and when you’re released, if you’re incarcerated, the better your odds. Nobody, including you, knows at this moment whether your life will be a bed of roses or an eternity under a dark cloud. But at least give yourself a chance. You may have done something wrong… so deal with any consequences and work on moving forward.
(applause tappering off)
(clap, clap…….clap)
gillian, your rah rah cheerleader antics are noteworthly. I’m willing to bet you’re a mortgage officer for sub prime loans or a used car salesman.
You’ll have to live with yourself for these exaggerated promises.
off to take a shower.
“That’s what I believe.”
But that’s not what everyone else necessarily believes, which is part of why this site exists, hint-hint.
Uncertainty is not always better than certain absence. But it’s not necessarily “uncertainty” here. “We all know” that certain criminal records will indeed heavily impact any “uncertain” future. And so in this way, it because less uncertain, while imposing a certainty of higher degree of difficulty and complication, stigma, and less access to what people expect non-criminals to be able to do with their lives.
I’m one of those people who isn’t even a criminal, but still gets treated like one in any job application process, because i have no references, because i don’t encounter compatible people who remain a static fixture in my personal life. All my jobs, i’ve hated, and haven’t stayed long. I have no references, no formal university experience, no official certificates or qualifications, physical issues, and now mental issues, and a large gap between now and my last employment.
I’ve never had a criminal record. I’ve been detained once, but never had to go to court, as the charges were dropped. I’ve never been into a jail cell.
But because i don’t have a real life, a personal life, a social life, and because i have unchecked issues that both look bad and interfere with both my ability and inclination to actually work… no one will hire me, even if i “believe” that i want them to. It’s not even up to me anymore. I am not allowed the opportunity to decide to make my life better, because i’m not the one who decides whether i am hired. And even if i was hired, i would hate my job and not make enough to actually change anything. So why bother? And since i can’t work, i might as well just die.
But OP, don’t get discouraged just yet. I’ve seen plenty of convicts get jobs. Having no references is even worse than having a criminal record. Imagine that, right? “Oh, you’re not popular enough, so we’re going to hire criminals instead, because at least they have friends willing to vouch for them.”
*becomes
Bipolar – you are just as wrong in your guesses about my work experience as about pretty much every other view I’ve seen you express here. Seems like your sole purpose in life is to get it wrong.. I can’t imagine what 35y or that is like, ouch. But at least it looks like attacking people makes you feel better. I hope it’s only verbal, otherwise you might want to ask to get your meds revised.
clevername – maybe you should get a formal university experience, a certificate and whatnot. It might help you with the other issues you are complaining about as well.
@gillian @distant.road Thank you very much for your comments, they provide some hope
@clevername I feel a bit like you, I’m pretty undecided on what to do
@gillian:
“maybe you should get a formal university experience”
Do you think this thought hasn’t crossed my mind?
How would i go about such a thing? How could i possibly afford it? How could i possibly succeed in any such thing, while being so disgusted with life, so miserable all the time, and so close to just flipping the switch?
That’s the problem. I’m stuck in a way that has no options, and can’t do anything about it. I would have had to have that option available 15 years ago, in order for it to work out.
@clevername, you have to excuse gillian and his simple views and clumsy answers for complex problems. I’m all about being positive and upbeat about situations, but the ideas that flow out of his head are borderline insulting. Have to love the dreamers with their heads in the clouds. That’s not the only place gillian’s head has been. lol
I suppose every village has at least one.
Alvarito, some states offer businesses who hire ex-inmates tax credits. The rules, if there is such a credit in that state, vary from state to state. In Washington state, for example, here are the guidelines:
• Released from prison within the year prior to being hired, or
• Participating in a work-release program.
The tax credit can be a few thousand dollars.
When I used to manage restaurants, we ALWAYS screened applicants for possible tax credits.. veteran-based, inmate-based, welfare-based, etc. etc. Tax credits can certainly add up and can make the difference in the number of employees hired, hours assigned, etc.
Again, I’m NOT suggesting things can be a bed of roses… but if businesses in your state are given a financial incentive, your odds might be a little better. Of course, this might depend on the crimes you’re charged with and the type of business you’re seeking a job from. As an EXAMPLE, if you’re charged with theft, a cash-handling business might be hesitant to hire you but a data-entry position for a temp agency might be a fit that works.
Having fun thinking up resolutions for various problems that gillian would deliver…
Missing Malaysia plane…….”Just have the tower call them, and they’ll come back.”
US deficit……”If you pick up pennies, they will eventually pay down any debt.”
Clogged toilet……”Just use the flush lever.”
@distant.road Very interesting, I will look for info about opportunities for ex-inmates
Thank you all for your comments
clevername – noone’s claiming life is easy. More specifically, I didn’t say getting the university experience would be easy. Nothing’s easy, except maybe 6ft under. But as you well know, it isn’t easy to get there voluntarily either.
Bottom line – it’s a matter of choice. Make it, and stick with it. Regardless that it’s not easy.
Bipolar – I am officially ignoring you, so please feel free to stop uuhm.. that thing that your doing with your little you know what.
“easy” and “stuck in an inescapable paradox” are not even in the same league.
Then make the choice to get unstuck. Quitting complaining might be one of possible starting points.
i’m sorry but you have no idea what you’re talking about.
C’mon clevername, haven’t you ever “quitting complaining”
You know, I bet there’s an equation for world peace inside that magnificent brain of gillian.
It takes one deliberate, determined step that you call a beginning. Doesn’t matter what it is. Doesn’t matter how big or small it is.
Then another. Then, step after step, it gets just a little easier, because you’ve now built inertia.
“All that is required is impeccability, energy, and that begins with a single act that has to be deliberate, precise, and sustained. If that act is repeated long enough, one acquires a sense of unbending intent, which can be applied to anything else. If that is accomplished the road is clear.”
– Carlos Castaneda
And the war between Bipolar American and gillian rages on. Watch your step folks, you don’t want to get caught up in there.
I don’t think so, River : )
my counter to “quit complaining” would be “silence is complicity.”
I decided to never endorse what i despise, by refraining from speaking of it.
I had my sustainability compromised by events beyond my control, through conditions imposed upon me by choices made by others, contrary to my own.
Last i checked, “deciding” didn’t change any of the stuff that prevents me from doing what i want, which i already decided i would do.
I am unable to produce, manifest, and sustain, anything. What i want to do, is not dictated by what or whether i decide. It is instead impeded and prevented, by that which is beyond my control, regardless of my choice.
You can’t start a car without fuel or ignition, and you can’t buy fuel without starting the car and driving it to a place that requires sustained energy to be converted into meager compensation.
I could maybe siphon fuel from elsewhere… but it won’t be enough to get where i’m going, and when i run out, i’ll be stranded with no way back, and nothing to show for my efforts, aside from an even worse scenario.
@TheRiver, I’m going to take the high road as much as possible.
Someone needs to help moderate the day dreamer with dollar store golden nuggets of wisdom.
🙂
@clevername, you have to realize that gillian would never have to worry about fuel capacity or ignition. The car always operates, and it doesn’t stop for maintenance. (Lives in a dream world)
that got me thinking…
“give me fuel, give me fire, give me that which i desire… (hetfield woof)”
Without fuel, fire, and that which i desire, to begin and sustain a positive vicious cycle, in which chasing more and more of what i would receive, works to sustain and propel itself… i cannot progress… and the only alternative is to await in unending stasis, and stagnate unto death.
I can’t get what would propel me, without already having it. But i have nothing left to burn, and no one is offering. And in my case, i can’t run efficiently enough to build a surplus. I will expend all my fuel before i can get more. I need repairs and a tune up, but i’ve been written off, and now reside in a junkyard, awaiting my date with the compactor, so that i can be sent to a facility to have my useful materials reclaimed, to be shaped into a different form, perhaps a different and more useful entity.
I can’t race, so i’m useless. Doesn’t matter what i want. It only matters that i’m not good enough for my own purpose. And despite the fact that i surely didn’t do this to myself… people will refer to it as “self-defeat.” Which is somehow half the cognitive dissonance, contrasting the idea that if anyone thought i was worth an investment, someone would have invested in me… but they refuse to do that, for obvious reasons, but then call it “self-defeat.”
Oh, but I obviously did not elaborate enough.
“Quit complaining” has nothing to do with verbal expression or silence.
It has to do with the thoughts playing on repeat in your head. That even if you manage to get hired, you’d hate the job. That just because you missed on the college experience of going from one drunken party to the next, you are now too old to get an education, plus who’d pay for that. That no one would hire you anyway because you see no one will provide references for you.
All of these are false premises. For example, every manager you’ve had will provide a half-assed reference, even if it’s only to confirm the basic info of your work contract there, and the law prevents them to say anything bad about you (at least anything for which they have no written documentation, and even if they did have such documentation, they still wouldn’t do it because well it’s a hassle and who cares anyway). You’d only be so lucky to get a negative reference from an idiot ex-boss, because then you can sue the employer for defamation.
So you know you won’t love the job. So what?? Do you not know that people work to get paid, and liking the job is not a prerequisite? You think everyone likes their jobs? People do it anyway. Coz you know, bills to pay and whatnot. You just stick with it. Liking is just an extra bonus that is not guaranteed.
And if it doesn’t work out the next time, then do your best to learn from experience and try again. Changes are triggered by action, not by words expressing despisement, despair and other des-es of your choice.
they’re not “false premises” at all. They are instead reasonably justifiable expectations formed in accordance with observation and experience of factual occurrences and approximate predictions based on probabilities.
There’s a big difference between “won’t love” and “will hate” a job.
No one knows better than i do, that people ONLY work because they HAVE TO, in order to sustain themselves. They do not want to work, as they do, for as little as they make… they simply have no other better option.
Why should i exert effort to sustain a life that probabilistically will not be anything close to what i want, or need, or can even sustainably tolerate, or tolerably sustain?
Why should i work hard, hating every moment of my life, just so i can earn another day of hating my life?
If all that’s available is “work hard to still hate my life,” then i’m not going to do it. I’ve already had beyond enough of that. Whatever other people are willing to do, for whatever reasons compel them to do so, is on them.
Just because i find such things unacceptable and even impossible, doesn’t mean anyone else is going to alter their choices or actions. And likewise, just because other people do things a way i find unacceptable, that doesn’t mean i should, and doesn’t mean i will go along with this bullshit system, just to sustain what is insufficient, and not worth the efforts to persist. There has to be a better way, for me, or i’m done, because what other people accept and go along with, simply does not work for me. That’s just that.
Besides, how is a broke and unemployed person going to sue anyone for something so superficial as defamation? Even black people around here have a hard time suing their racist white bosses for being openly racist and defamatory.
@Bipolar American, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a little hope, like gillian tries to share. I tend to be a realist, and am miserable because of it. But there’s nothing wrong with having a positive outlook, or hopes and dreams, so long as they’re in the confines of reality.
But yes, of course people have to be aware that there’s a big chance they’ll never get what they want or need. That’s the unfortunate nature of the world we live in. Nothing is fair, it doesn’t work that way. No one is special. But oh well.
@clevername, I like the car analogy to explain the whole “you need resources in order to get the resources you’ll need to get resources” paradox. Kind of like “you’ve got to spend money to make money”. Unfortunately, that quote assumes you have money in the first place. Obviously we’re not just talking about money here, although that certainly is a big factor, but you see what I mean. Some people just don’t have enough strength to get that pendulum swinging, or just can’t get to it in the first place to even try.
“Reasonably justifiable” by you.
You are not the only person in this situation; have you read anything on expiring unemployment benefits lately? There are many people in this boat. And I bet they won’t care if they would hate the job or not, as long as they can land one.
To answer your question – yes, my opinion is that one (you included) should “exert effort to sustain a life that probabilistically will not be anything close to what i want, or need, or can even sustainably tolerate, or tolerably sustain”.
But that’s just a personal opinion. It is based on the logical fact that you are not an oracle and can’t say what will happen 1, 2 or 5 years into the future. It’s your choice and yours alone to decide whether staying online all day and fueling the broken record in your head with these posts is better than doing something for the sole purpose to get paid and even not much, and hating it. I’m not saying one is better than the other for you – all I am saying is that it is your choice to make, and that some people make a different choice, and think less about the fact that the money they make won’t allow them a comfortable living, or luxury one, or a yacht or whatnot.
I’m merely stating that there is no ‘inescapable paradox’ – there’s only personal choice.
If someone gave you a negative reference and you didn’t get hired because of it, and you don’t feel strong enough to look for a greedy lawyer to take your case, then you can take them to small claims court. You won’t need a lawyer for that (and the employer cannot send a lawyer to appear), but the possible remedies a small claims judge can award are only monetary (i.e. can’t make them apologize to you) and will be limited in size (different for each state). Defamation is not superficial and if it prevented you from landing a job means you suffered economic damages and should be compensated. Unless you try and fail, your premise of not being able to do anything about it is a potentially false premise.
@theRiver, I know gillian means well, even though her expectations are in need of adjustment. If we ever met in person, we’d be a match made in heaven because opposites attract.
i just don’t have enough energy to spend on the first step, and that first step won’t compensate me well enough to afford the second one.
It’s not about the first step, it’s about all the steps. If i can discern before stepping, that i will not be able to complete all the steps, then the plan is wrong, and should be corrected before embarking.
The problem is, every desirable plan is wrong, because of what’s wrong with me, which is due to all the times i was pushed to “just do anything.” I burned out all i had to burn, on all the wrong things, because there was no way for me to access the right things, the right ways, and no time to make a good plan… especially since in this world, from my circumstances, there was never any good plan i could make. I’ve been stuck since i was 16-17. Half my life ago. I never got to have a life, because i was always left without any option but to slave away for insufficient gains, in ways that compromise too much of myself, and could not be sustained. I’d work myself half to death, and never had anything to show for it. I tried as hard as i could, as long as i could, until i was broken.
Now that i know that’s what happens when “going along to get along,” and doing what everyone else does… i neither can, nor will, do that anymore.
If there’s not a way for a broken person to survive without destroying themselves the rest of the way… then i *must* choose an ending, because that is the only other choice that is available to make.
I kept asking for a better way, instead of just offing myself… but no one ever showed me anything different, and instead, only insisted that i should do what cannot, will not, which will not fix anything, and cannot be sustained, even if i did “take a step” that direction. I’ve already taken too many steps in that direction. That’s why i’m stuck here, today.
I won’t take another step until i can believe it will lead where i want to go. If where i want to go does not exist, or cannot be reached from my position… then there is no purpose for me to exist any further.
Hah, you didn’t answer my question gillian… you merely confirmed and used my own words to restate the very belief i was asking you to explain.
“WHY” should i do that?
Why should i fight for what i don’t want, if all it will ever produce is more and more of what i don’t want? And yes, that is true.
And i’m sure you’d be surprised to learn that while i’m not “an oracle,” i am indeed in possession of significant predictive capacity.
It’s actually quite simple (for me), and it constantly surprises me that others seem to think predicting parts of the future, or rather, parts that absolutely will not ever happen in the future, is “impossible.”
What i think will or won’t happen, almost always goes how i think it will. I’m only wrong in absence of sufficient relevant information. I usually know in advance when i don’t have enough information to make an accurate prediction. If i don’t know what’s going to happen, or at least have enough knowledge of consequences or benefits to weigh against each other… chances are, i won’t do anything, because i don’t know that i can avoid making things worse. If i don’t avoid making things worse, i won’t have the opportunity to try anything else.
Ever heard the phrase “look before you leap?” Ironically enough, i heard this repeatedly growing up, from people who leaped into “faith.” They didn’t look. Maybe that’s how they figured out how important it is to know what’s going to happen, as a result of your actions.
Maybe then your approach to planning needs an adjustment. You know most people don’t try to painstakingly plan every little details of every new endeavor, the final frontier of it and some magical end goal, right?
It’s called living. One moves along, and tries to deal with whatever hits him on the head while he’s trying to advance on some supposedly planned path.
Nothing ever turns out to be the way you plan it. So you say – then I won’t do it at all, and I’d say – well then, I won’t bother to plan it much.
And your point of view is not any more valid, or more realistic, or more anything than mine. It’s just.. different.
Imagine a single point in space. Say, pick a point on Venice. Depending on where you are looking from, you might be able to see it, or not, it might look different depending on the angle and distance.. maybe the analogy is not good but I don’t have time right now to come with a better one. To extend the analogy, for you seems all points are always on the dark side of the Moon and you are always standing on Earth when looking at them.
There are other points of view and they are not less valid or realistic than yours. And the point of view is ultimately a matter of choice. Often, that choice is made for us during our upbringing.. children absorb the points of view of their guardians and other adults around them.
But once you’re all grown up, you are on your own to realize that everything is a matter of choice, and you are the only one responsible for it. Shedding your nihilistic, self-destructive point of view might look impossible, but if other people do it – then its within the realm of possibility for you as well. We are all not that different after all.
I did answer, but you skipped it. You only absorb what you want and drop the rest.
WHY – because you don’t know what will happen next year, or the one after that, or 5 years from now. There’s no way for you to know nothing will change. And please don’t spin complex expressions about probabilistic approximate predictions because you are not knowledgeable enough in probability and statistics to attempt to sound scientific.
Bipolar told you to stop dreaming about it. And the other thing too. It’s disgusting.
Hey gillian, don’t flatter yourself.
The only thing that makes you appealing is you’re a challenge. So don’t lose your spunk.
If i can’t figure out how to do what i want done, the right way, then it will never happen.
Take that to the bank.
There is a way for me to know “nothing will change.” I just can’t seem to explain to anyone else well enough for them to learn how to do it.
And i’m not saying “nothing at all, literally, out of all possible things.” I’m using “nothing” to refer to the things that matter, the things that need to change, in order for me to believe that any effort will produce any sufficient result.
Changes that don’t alter the results, are irrelevant. Lots of those types of changes do occur, but they don’t matter, because the result remains unchanged. Or sometimes, it changes the result very slightly, or significantly, but only in an irrelevant way.
So, your answer is tantamount to “you have to keep going, because you don’t know you’ll never get what you want.”
Meanwhile, i’ve already stopped, because i could not keep going, which means i do know i’ll never get what i want, and also carries the unintended side effect of eliminating any possibility of any sufficient consolation.
It gets incredibly tiresome to be constantly bombarded by people insisting that whatever works for them should work for me, while i’ve spent so much time and energy trying to convey why and how other people’s ways don’t work for me, which is WHY i need a different way, which apparently doesn’t exist.
The only reason i’m still here, is because i’m not yet completely certain enough that a way that would work for me, actually does not exist, as i would suspect it doesn’t, due to all available information.
Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter either way. I never had a good life, it was never worth living, and i only care what happens while i’m alive. So if i somehow mistakenly believe that it will never get better, i’ll never know the difference anyway. But “deciding to believe,” or rather, deciding to embrace delusion, is not going to change what is immutable, and is not going to magically make false things true.
Aside from a very small number of people being distraught for a while, and maybe a couple of them for several years… there will be virtually no change in the world, if i should die… regardless of method or choice. No one will ever mourn the life i hated and was never allowed to truly live. They will only mourn “the idea of me,” which is not really even part of my life.
@gillian:
No, you didn’t answer why *I* should do what i don’t want to do, just to make more of what i don’t want to experience.
You just said that you believe i should, in conjunction with a bunch of other beliefs i find absurd.
You believe i should subscribe to tormenting myself for unworthy gains, “just because i don’t know.” But that’s where you’re wrong: i do know; i know what i want, what i don’t want, and what i’m willing to sacrifice, in either scenario.
Well clevername, it doesn’t look like your ‘way’ works very well, does it?
At the same time, lots of people do other things, not in your ‘right way’ and it seems to work and not just for them. Look at the stuff those people have produced – computers, trains, satelites, Hubble..
Now you tell me – who’s more right here. You or everyone else who’s tried and actually accomplished something, albeit not perfect. You say you are so different than absolutely everyone else that there’s absolutely no way nothing anyone has ever tried or did that could even remotely work for you.
The only thing I can say to that is : dude, you are not that unique. What you want maybe unachievable, but what you need is an attitude adjustment.
Only death is immutable.
And with this, I’m signing off. I realize you use this verbal waterfall as a therapy form, but you’ll excuse me because there’s somewhere I need to be. G night.
I always hated disagreements on SP… I know it’s nothing but a sub-group of the population in the “real world” so disagreements should be expected, but… It seems like we’ve had more than a few disagreements recently on SP.
G’night, gillian…
gillian’s just a *****, that’s all. Not the first, won’t be the last. There are a seemingly endless supply of them. That’s one of the primary reasons for why i dislike this world so much. People are just shitty.