Hey….never have seen this site till today. I was glad to find it. Glad to know im not the only one as I think some times I am. I don’t even know where to start. I guess the beginning will do – I am 47 – male – and very lost. I was adopted when I was 2 months old. Never thought that would become a issue but it has reared its ugly head. My family seemed ok…had nothing to judge it by – my earliest memory was I would say 1 and a half to 2 years old. its when my mom walked me into our church and showed me a room with one way glass – it was a sound proof room. I was told this is where loud and or disruptive kids go if they cant behave in church. Funny because then I remember the same story when we would go to restaurants…she would show me the shed or add on to the building and tell me this is where you go if you cant sit still and behave…funny I remember when I realized these were just storage sheds later in life that housed brooms or shovels or restaurant equipment…not bad kids. I truly think my mom adopted me because it was for the status to be a parent and not because she wanted kids. I was always told I was fat…didn’t apply myself – she had me in weight watchers in 5th grade – don’t get me wrong I was husky – but she was embarrassed of me. My dad worked as a farmer from 5am to 9pm – hard worker. Suicide was in my head as far back as I would say 9 or 10. I was always ashamed of myself because it seemed as the world (mom) was also. Life has been hard and I don’t want to ramble as the whoa is me guy. I was raped by my brother when I was 13 maybe 14 – he wasn’t sure of his sexuality so he wanted to experiment!?! We all have the bs from our lives of being brought up so don’t want to focus on that…I got out of high school and fell in love and was married. I will fast forward to the future – after 25years of marriage my wife left – I don’t blame her as I look back now with clarity and know I was mentally ill and she went through a lot. I am in a bad place – don’t want to go on and am looking at possibility’s to find my peace. I searched out my (blood) family in the past few years – lots of family – from one cousin that plays major league baseball to teachers and others….the scary part is I have found out that my mother was a alcoholic – bi polor - schizophrenic – as well as other stuff. So it would seem my mental illness is real. I never talk to anyone about it because I get the same advice – just get happy! Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and so on…nobody has ever believed me that its not that easy – I will also add that I am a severe diabetic with numbers into the 500 range being very common. Most days I cant think or cope with life – there was a time I made 100k or more a year – now I cant afford a soda. I don’t want to live – I KNOW my best days are behind me – me kids think im lazy and tend to listen to there moms bs – IM SICK AND THAT IS REALLY THE TRUTH – don’t have a clue how to go on – cant focus – (im not on any meds btw – they put me on Prozac once and I went into a rage for the record books) Anyway – I love u guys – I now get this its for real – I cant go on
I
5 comments
azlbz ,
we all feel like that but on other issues your in good hands on here, I spend much of my time trying to justify doing myself in, however that is not as easy as is sounds! well stick around and listen to everybody’s else’s horror stories!
What did the rage in the record books entail?
Thanks for your story. It means a lot. Sorry you’re suffering.
Ah! Someone I can relate to! ;^)
Thanks for sharing your story. As I say, I can relate to it, although I wasn’t adopted, my mom definitely thought any undesirable behavior was a reflection upon her. I think we have a lot of other common threads.
First, I know it is tempting to minimize your childhood, but I think we all have a lot of unlearning what “normal” was for us, and it takes time, and it isn’t something sexy that guys typically enjoy. Nonetheless, it would be hard not to internalize negative beliefs about yourself from what you’ve experienced.
On one hand, I hate this DSM V shit. It’s not that I don’t believe we humans don’t have behavior or biochemical issues, but i especially don’t like labels being applied to us, and let’s face it, you can find a diagnosis code in there for everyone.
While it sounds like you biological mom had problems, keep in mind that the judgments she may have received from professionals were just that, and in those days, it was even more subjective and dismissive than it is now! There’s no telling what else she had going on that she couldn’t even speak about. (Was it easy sharing your brother’s buggery at first? Probably not. Most men take decades to admit it, and then are dismissive of it’s affects (“boys will be boys”).)
At the same time, those diagnoses may be worth exploring. If nothing else, some medications can be stabilizing while you unravel crap from the past and discard it from defining you. In fact, the right combo may make positive shifts that can enable you to pick up the pieces and move on.
It sounds like your newly found family could be a source of support during your journey. I understand you may not have this to the extent you might like as more and more people are over-extended and emotionally unavailable.
I’m sorry to hear about your wife and kids, but don’t be a blame sponge. (It was marriage that got me to see that I have been one.). It always takes two to tango, and each of you may have coped the best you could.
I can relate to other feelings I’m assuming you may struggle with, even though you aren’t specifically calling them out. While I used to make over $100K/year, i haven’t worked for three years. I have neurological Lyme disease and have just about exhausted our resources. Less than ten years ago, I was running marathons, now i can’t stand for long without getting weak and short of breath. Of course, disability is non-existant, as is any kind of “safety net.”
My son comes home from college tomorrow, and I am so ashamed of the state of the house. I don’t know how we are going to pay for him to continue beyond this year, and any discussion of finances usually launches my wife into shutting the process down. I have oxygen tanks in my bedroom now (wife sleeps elsewhere now), and i can barely leave the house for anything other than medical appointments and tests. My faculties are diminished because of the inflammation in the brain, so stuff just piles up. Yet I can see from a pile I made several weeks ago, that I did have a good brain day.
More than the medical humiliations, I grieve not being able to make much of any contribution, not financially, not physically, and the accompanying isolation can be brutal. In addition, I can’t even really talk about my physical struggles with my family. On one hand, I’d like to prepare them for the inevitable, but I think they’d prefer to think of me as a washed up looser.
I understand what you are saying about it not being that easy, but at the same time, there is some merit to thought management. The problem is, most people don’t explain how to make it work when you’re in the pit of despair. So their advice seems trite, insensitive, accusing, and dismissive. But the heartmath people have made some amazing discoveries, and it is interesting to see that positive happy thoughts only affect your field so far, to truly bust through, you have to (and I feel awkward saying this) immerse your thoughts in gratitude (which couldn’t seem more unrealistic or inaccessible). But, after you do, the field shifts, and this can be measured with electronic instruments. Thankfully, i have a mutt who can be a springboard for gratitude when i need to try to adjust my field, but beyond mere thoughts, inevitably i need to return to the mess around me, but it does help me make a couple of baby steps.
Azlbz, you’re not alone. Thank you for honoring us with your story. Sending you a non-creepy bear hug.
P.S. If you think you are sick, then you may have your immediate solution. May you find the genuine help you need. One day at a time, right?