What do you expect from a delinquant. I am not fucking insane even if I want to be. It would explain everything that has happened along the way with me, but all I really am is stupid and delusional and just a total crackhead. I wish I was brave enough to take my own life. Maybe someday I will be,but all that I want now is to be stong enough to die, to throw myself under a car or cut my wrists or just take a bunch of pills and never look back. I may have found the perfect way but the perfect time is still escaping me. How  am I to kill myself when all I do is just push it further in time. I need to get it over with and soon. I hate all people, I really do. Done with all the torture of my failure and what I was so weak to never achieve. I know I have always been pathetic and scum in other people`s eyes because that is how I think of myself.
The slut, the one who wasn`t strong enough, the one who had the brains but not the ambition, the one who was so utterly lazy that led herself to her own death. That is the silver lining here, I don`t need to survive to make the world a better place, I need to do the exact opposite and maybe that would be the only deservant thing that I have done my whole life.
So will anybody be reading this. Probably not, ut it is just good that  getting it out there. You know once recorded information never really seizes to exist, at least my thoughts will remain somewhere in space and time.
I will probably suffer tremendeous of what I am about to do, and I will proably  regret it, but that is thing, that is what I do, regret shit. At least everybody will be happier, not right this moment but in time, bacause they will be better of grieving me than dealing with my crap all their lives. If I live one way or another they will all come to hate me and that is the least I want. By dieing I will keep that one little detail, their love. I`d rather they remember me as the screwed up little sister who wasn`t quite right in her mind, so she killed herself.
I don`t need therapy, I tried it once and it really cleared out my problems, but just for a while. U know I was pretending even then. Not even a word of what I said to that therapist was the truth. I was playing a role once again. However what therapy did make me realise is that the problem weren`t other people, it was me who was causing all the mayhem and chaos and when I tried to accuse others it just couldn`t stick. Consequently it dawned on me that I wasn`t gonna change my cowardly and lying nature,, I was just going to get worse and worse, until I pushed everyone I loved away from me.
The other problem, I don`t even know what love is or if I have ever felt it. I know it is a shitty thing to say but I don`t think Iove my parents or my sister or anyone in general. I may be attached to them, but I doubt I experience this mysterious thing called love. Maybe love is based on understanding one`s soul and I don`t think anybody ever has come to grasp the essentials of my personality. With everyone I put on a mask, that is what I do and what I have always done, I don`t want to show anyone my true nature, and I really doubt there is a something beyond those masks. I think it is just a vacuum inside of me that transforms with time. Actually there was a philosophical term of my condition, wait a second, I can`t figure it out now, but if anybody has suggestions you can go right on ahead and submit them, there will be nobody to read them. Let`s just say that I am not a person, but rather a subject, an empty shell of biological material. I don`t exist, not really that would entail that I have a soul, that fragile thing inside me which is the reason, why people have a consciousness, which I clearly don`t. If you ask me Iam even worse than all he murderes and rapists that are in jail. Yes, they may be evil, but they can`t help it. I can help my wrecherdness if I just pushe a little harder, but in mind I am unable to. So here I stand writing all this shit, while everyone else think they know te real me. The proper school girl, the one who loves to get drunk or even the one who sluts around. The one happily in love, the one with a broken heart, the one who sits all day watching tv series, the passionate ambisious roomate. Well I am all this things at once, one should think that I deserve an Oscar, but if Leonardo di Caprio didn`t get one, how can I expect to receive one even if the shattering role is my life
So there you have it folks, my pathetic story. Like I said these words will probably be stored somewhere with the Americans and Google spying on us and all. One day  someone will read it and think what a headcase I must have been and he would be right. So goodbuy for now and just know that I am the selfish ***** I just described. .