It’s odd, but in reading about the middle-aged men topping the suicide statistics in the US and UK, I have fewer reservations. In reading about suicide prevention and the loss loved ones experienced, i’m not deterred, although the formula that suicide seems viable when emotional pain exceeds coping mechanisms makes sense, it doesn’t seem to fully cover it.
I know there are times when we’re overwhelmed, but today I feel clearer in my head than most (last night’s old Ambien?), and it just seems like a viable course to pursue. I may be kidding myself, but it seems like logistics are the bigger issue.
For someone who used to run marathons, my declining health has practically become a full-time deal. It seems like I only leave the house for appointments, and the bureaucratic overhead of dealing with it is practically my only pastime, and I can’t keep up with it. (While my Lyme disease has been complicated by genetics, my care seems to have shifted from trying to kill my colonizers, to dealing with the effects on my heart, GI, liver, or kidneys.) So now, in addition to the alternative Lyme docs, i’m supposed to see these different a la carte specialists, who just want to tinker here or there, but I see and experience the big picture.
In reading about the realities driving men in my age group, it just highlights suicide as an option. From being unable to work for nearly three years, to not wanting to put us in debt, to wanting my son to continue college, this may be my last opportunity to be a provider of any sort (life insurance pays in my state if the policy has been in effect for two years).
I’ve done my calculations and believe I have the means. (One of my docs gave me a huge prescription of Xanax, even though I had just asked him to give me something to help me for a week. I now know the anxiety may have been due to a heart issue, but I wonder whether he was being generous or compassionate. Of all my docs, he seems to have the best bedside manner, but he has never been particularly encouraging or hopeful for my condition.)
The best course of action seems to be prioritizing, cleaning up some things as best as possible to minimize some of the burden.
Timing and location seems to be the tough part. And note or no note? With all of my medical issues, it may be that they don’t do any toxicology work up. Timing is likely never good, but some times may be worse than others. Location too is problematic. My room seems best for me, but that likely leaves me to be found by my wife, unless I resume cleaning services, and do it the night before. Decisions, decisions.
2 comments
Tbd, I am so sorry to read about your health problems.
Your arguments are very logical and well thought out. You don’t want to be a burden to your family, and to risk your son’s future with your medical bills. On top of that, you feel miserable every day.
I would like to ask you something though. Please close your eyes, and imagine to be in your son’s shoes. Imagine you suddenly lose your father, and to suicide. Imagine the grief, disbelief, having to deal with that while helping out with final arrangements, and having to say “thank you” to all those people with dry condolences. Imagine going to bed, then waking up fresh and then remembering – my dad is no longer here. Imagine how it hits you in the chest like a 50lb dumbbell. Imagine asking ‘why?’
Now imagine your father left a note where he details how he doesn’t want to be a burden. Imagine the terrible taste in your mouth reading this. Imagine how you cannot really concentrate on anything anymore, because of the huge burden and guilt and the extra grief that comes with it. Imagine how you think that you don’t give a damn about college anymore, because it’s all bullsh*t anyway.
Now imagine there’s no note. Imagine your inability to understand your dad’s reason. Yes, he was sick, he wasn’t happy, what did we do wrong? Why didn’t we take care of him enough? How the hell did we let this happen! Imagine the guilt and pain that go along with that.
Your condition is not terminal. It is unfortunate that you are suffering and that it strains your finances, and it’s not fair. It is what it is. However, there simply does not exist path that you can take, and where you’d end your life, lift the financial burden from your family WITHOUT causing them deep pain and suffering.
Your son will not forget in 5years or in 10 years or in 20. It will haunt him for the rest of his life. These are the types of events that shape and change the trajectory of our lives.
If I were to choose, I would rather be up to my ears in students loans than suffer the loss of my dad to suicide. I would choose without as much as blinking.
But, that’s just me.
I hope you make the right decision. Whatever your decision is, I wish the best to you and your family.
Your arguments against a note make sense, but mourning is mourning regardless, and as I said, I think a toxicology study is unlikely. While my condition may not be terminal in the sense of cancer staging, it’s clear I am a systemic time bomb, with some recent developments being due to the high doses of recently approved off-label applications of immunoglobulins. Genetically, I can’t clear the toxins without the clumsy applications of other off-label uses. Being on the cutting edge of treatments and compartmentalized system failures just means they don’t know when or what will give out first. During yesterday’s appointment with the GI guy (who is doing more tests next week), he demurely cautioned me that low blood cell components were more indicative of bone marrow issues.
I appreciate your thoughts, but close your eyes and consider how much of a laboratory specimen are you be willing to be? Supplemental oxygen? Dialysis? Losing a portion of your colon? Now combine some of these. How about the stroke scenario that leaves you requiring full-time care? How about combining some of these. Believe me, my son’s perspective will change quickly after a few rotating shifts.
Yes, these draining scenarios make your loved ones relieved at your passing after being traumatized by a wearing care burden, but I don’t understand demanding that others voluntarily suffer for us or that we play along with the gruesome feeding frenzy of modern medicine. I read that Half of Medicare’s expenses involve heroics during the last month of life. At that point, it is too difficult to determine who is caring for who. Are hospitals caring for people, or are the weak being used to keep income flowing into the medical machinery? Advanced directives only go s far, and you need to have someone advocating for you. I say no to being a helpless specimen.