Off to the Wacky Shack in an hour, good bye to all you beauts and thank you!

Pretty soon i’m gonna get sent from my doc’s office to a “long term intensive care unit”. Looked it up and it seems like the loony bin which I guess is where I belong. Guess I should explain why I am in this predicament. Two weeks ago I got home from a party where some things had gone badly, read the posts here of course looking for comfort that never comes, as we all do. After reading it was about 4 in the morning so I just figured now is as good a time as any and I slit my wrists (heavily fucked up on multiple drugs at this point) so I just slashed a bunch of ways then laid down and went to bed expecting that to be it. Mom finds me earlier than expected, blah blah blah, hospital for a while, blah blah, then about a week later everyone’s finally off my back so I can just do it in piece. Bought a large bag of heroin, loaded up the biggest shot I’ve ever seen, did it and closed my eyes, again expecting to never open them again. But I did. and I didn’t necessarily hide everything because I was banking on being dead so my family and friends were extremely upset. I agreed to go to rehab for their sake but that’s not really what I want.  I want to throw my arms up in the air and say “Fuck it, i’m done. You win universe.” But i can’t. That’s the fucked up part. I can’t. We’re human beings, society halts for no one and the world must continue on. I just can’t seem to get anyone else to understand that it isn’t the drugs that’s the problem, it’s me. It’s like screaming with a fish bowl over your head. You walk around asking people for advice, trying to tell them what you think or feel but nothing gets out. I’m trapped here, inside my little bowl. I fear I’m going to die here, in this bowl. Spent my whole life tapping on the glass, shouting over and over hoping somebody could hear me but now, when I am at my lowest, tip toeing that line between living and dying, no one stands beside me. All the doctors I’ve been sent too, all the psychiatrists I’ve seen to give me their vaguely different but essentially the same answer, where are they all now? It is just me here now,  standing on the edge. Always remember that, you brave and beautiful soul who has for some reason continued to read the ramblings of a psychotic mad man, always remember that. Having a support system? great. Close friends who will look out for you and are there for you? great. Significant other who would do anything for you? fantastic. But on that day, your day, the day you must stand on this ledge and tip toe this line and make that decision, you will stand alone. Not I, nor your friends, nor your family, nor any doctor or other professional can you help you make that call. It truly is all about you. So the question is, what do YOU want to do?