I have been consumed with thoughts of suicide. Tonight I was crying to ask my brother to shoot me in the head. As serious as could be asked. I wanted to say it so bad. Even after his prodding “you can tell me anything” questions.
The tears flowed but I wouldn’t give in. I was so close to just blurting it out but I couldn’t. I had the restraint not to tell him. I don’t know what I feared more, thought of him saying no but then even more if he said yes. I feared his yes because I honestly feel as though I would really do it.
But then again, because I didn’t say anything does that make we weak? I have always thought I am not to be alive anymore. I get the thoughts of how innocent people get killed in accidents somehow. That a stray bullet would magically appear and kill me. Then I wouldn’t be to blame.
I also feared if he said no then I have tainted the most meaningful relationship in my life. That he would have to always look at me and think she is fucked up. I can’t get the image of him doing me my favour.
What kind of person would put that on someone they love. So many angles that are right in so many ways and so wrong so many others. I am at an all time low. For no reason other than myself. My mind playing tricks and I can’t keep this going any longer. I fail at living and I fail at dying. Again staying forever in limbo. Until the scales tip one way or another. That day needs to come fast.
1 comment
I can’t answer the original question, but I can share some of my story with you.
When I finally told my parents that I was (am) suicidal, it took a lot… I felt ashamed and worthless. I’m pretty close with them and they knew I was depressed and I’d had my issues – but never that it was that bad.
And the support they gave me from there… it managed to increase without our relationship drastically changing, if you can believe that. Like, with you and your brother – you are already close… he can probably tell something is wrong, especially with the probing questions… I think it might be worthwhile for you to tell him that you’re suicidal.
I found that once someone else knows you’re there… it makes you feel like a person again. You get to to name the condition and own it – and not just silently brood to yourself about it.