I’ll admit it, I still think about her every day. I don’t want to. The memories are wrong, twisted. They don’t bring a smile, or a feeling of joy. They just bring me down. The happiest moments of my life, and they are all fake. Oh, at the time I didn’t know they were fake, but now I know. Lying in bed together, holding her as she fell asleep. The love I felt for her, the love she felt for me. The happiest moment. But it was a lie. There was no love from her, no feeling at all.
I burned whatever bridge was left between us. Why? The terrible antics of a heartbroken man, or the desire to drive her away so she will never see what I have become. Probably a bit of both. My emotional side wants to reach out for her. Try to rebuild the bridge. The rational side know that is a bad idea. She threw me away for her reasons. She doesn’t want me in her life. And I don’t blame her.
She is at the centre of my downfall, but not the cause. I caused this. I took the risk of opening myself completely so I could fall in love. I made the choice to show her the real me. I fooled myself that I could actually be loved for who I am.
I’ve tried dating again. But I’m still too broken. It feels wrong to give my broken self to another. They don’t deserve this. They are too good for me, even if they deny it, I know it for truth. The bad in me outweighs the good.
Whatever confidence I had is shattered. I am a mass of self-hate and fear. I’ve accepted it. I know love is something I can never have. Even if I could, I can’t handle it, I can’t pay the price again.