We knew each other for six years before we got into a relationship that lasted nearly three years because even though things seemed to get better, exactly one week ago she pulled the trigger. Now the same question keeps on repeating itself over, over and over again: “Why?â€.
Before you all start commenting on why I didn’t help her, let me first make a couple of this things clear! Even before we got into a relationship I knew she was struggling with herself. She had this image of herself not being beautiful, smart and thin enough.
I could see the pain in the eyes. She had a mild form of Anorexia nervosa and she cut herself. No parallel lines for her, deep criss-cross cuts all over her arms and thighs for which she ended up on the ER a couple of times.
I got along with her parents very well, we talked a lot and I actually was there only connection with there daughter because she would never talk about anything with her parents.
I do not know what attracted me to her, why I loved her so much. I wanted to be there for her every day. I supported her every single day and gave her space when she said she needed it. When she told me she felt lonely, I would drive to her house even when it would by at 2 AM. I respected every single thing about her and we trusted each other so much it is hard to explain.
There were times she was really down and other days she smiled like it was her last day on earth.
The last two months she was doing real good. She had been clean of cutting herself. We were designing a little tattoo to celebrate that. She always wanted one.
Her struggle with eating was also getting better. She had even gained some weight without ‘hating’ herself for that. And we were planning our first vacation together, one for just the two of us. One without parents too supervise.
And now… … … There is nothing. Absolutely nothing but a gigantic emotional hole in my heart. Maybe a similar hole she now has. (Graphic info! She shot herself through her heart, she bleed to death. A slow death.)
Now I’m on the same site she looked on sometimes. I’m not sure why I wanted to share my story but as an indirect suicide survivor I want to ask a question.
Why would you leave behind the person you say you love the most? Can it get so worse that you’re willing to end it all just to be free of the pain. I thought I knew everything there was to know about depression, anxiety, bi-polar, insomnia, self-harm, suicide, heartbreak, death, euthanasia and all other related subjects. The funeral was such a hard thing to go too. All those people looking at me like it was my fault.
Know that I respect you guys and girls, grow man and women whatever your story. I’m not here to hate. I just want to talk and maybe find some answers.
4 comments
I’ve always learned that if a person isn’t 100% committed or does not truly love his or herself then there is no way they can fully love any other entity.
She may have even had some guilt about putting you through all of this and felt you deserved better.
Yeah, we put on little acts every now and then pretend like things are fine because we truly believe in that moment things can and will get better. But sometimes after fighting so hard and so long you begin to feel weak and exhausted and can’t put up a fight anymore. You may even lose sight of your purpose.
I’m not sure what your spiritual beliefs are, but man, when I experience those moments. I totally disconnected from Source (God). If I’m disconnected from spirit, then there’s no way in hell I can connect with any of my loved ones.
It’s not that we intend on being greedy or selfish, it’s just our perception gets skewed and under these altered states we do crazy shit to make the pain go away because you seem like everything else has failed. How many times can you run to your counselor, mother, best friend, lover? You get tired of burdening those people (if they’re available to you) especially when you know you’ll just end up right back in the same place.
It’s like a game. Do you want to keep playing this game or throw down your cards and try something else.
Maybe she just wanted to be home. I know she loved you deeply, but she probably was just tired. Please forgive her. There is NOTHING scarier than an empty, tired soul. You never know when they’ll run out of fuel or this race.
I send my condolences to you and your family.
*This is just my opinion. Not Fact. I hope it gives you some insight*
First of all thank you for your reply.
About those acts, I see what you mean. I could always see right through them when they were fake; most of them were when we were hanging out with ‘friends’, other people. Yet some come from true happiness, so did those from the last two months. She was on a way of recovery.
-Thought running through my head right now- “Or did she fake it all? All along the time it seemed to get better. If so… She did a real good job.â€
I respect whatever you believe in but I, myself, am an atheist. So was she.
To move on I will need to forgive her and I will. I just don’t understand why now? “Why f*cking now?! You were doing so well… Why?â€
Was it really her “fuel†that had run out… My mind is just not capable of handling this.
First of all, I’m sorry.
I think she was tired. Very, very tired. I have been depressed for a while, and every single interaction between friends/family, drains so much of my will and motivation. It’s even more so for the ones you love. The sadness within her clashed with her love for you, and burdened themselves upon her own soul. She would be very tired indeed.
I don’t think she was faking it, if you said that you could see through her fake smiles. I think she might have come to terms with reality and might have even planned out her suicide ever since. You see, most of us aren’t really looking for reason to do it. We are just looking for the right time. Perhaps she had already decided to end her own life, and was trying to spend her last few months with you as happy as possible.
Sometimes we just can’t cope with the things that just happens to be. I can tell that she loved you truly and deeply, and so did you. She wouldn’t have wanted you to blame yourself too much. Or she was even expecting that you could not forgive her, and would want to know why. But sometimes, I believe, that we all have some paths to follow in life, and our most beloved might not be able to follow. She loved you, and you loved her, but the pain within her was just too great.
I’m very sorry for what happened, and since I don’t fully know the situation, my opinions might be wrongly made. But I hope you can see her in a better light, because you both loved.
Frozen In Time, thank you for your words.