Today is a bad day for some reason. Nothing happened. It’s just the depression is really hitting me today. I’m sitting here at work, bored out of my mind, which means my mind wanders, and I just want to go home and sleep. My body is so tired.
I don’t know what to write about. I was thinking about discussing depression. What is it? But I can’t think straight today.
I should go to the grocery store tonight. But I know when I get home I won’t. I’ll put it off for tomorrow. And when I’m lying around home tonight wondering why I have no food in my house, I’ll know why. I’ll stock up tomorrow. And tomorrow I’ll just repeat the cycle again.
I think it’s the loneliness that is hitting me today. No one to shoot the shit with. No one to just talk too. No one who gives a damn about me. No one to just hold me. Fuck, I’ve only got myself to blame. I hurt those who get to close to me or they leave once they see I’m not “normalâ€. My whole life has been a series of mistakes that lead me to this point.
How do you make relationships when you’re so close to the edge? How can I let someone into my life when I could be gone in the next 6 months. Seems like a cruel thing to do to someone.
I’ll admit, it’s also that fear of rejection. I think it’s a valid fear though. What if the next one is the one that pushes me over the edge?
I think throughout my twenties I was always close to the edge, but I had my back turned to it. Now I’ve turned around and I see it, and it’s so inviting. Each day I take another step towards it. Two strings are still tied to me, the hardest to sever, but they will break in time. I just don’t see another path. And so the death march continues.
8 comments
I feel the same way. Loneliness is one of my biggest vices and I struggle with it every day. It feels like its literally consuming you, i know.
i hide my depression most of the time im in the girls bathroom crying. i wish i had people there
The funny thing is, in my 20s, it didn’t bother me at all. Now…it eats away at me. Probably cause all the things I did to fill the time don’t satisfy me anymore. So the loneliness seems more oppresive. It was always there. I can just see it and feel it now.
What we all need to do is order an XXXXXL pizza and eat it together.
No, but seriously, I get it. Personally I’ve never thought about not letting someone in “because they could lose me”, since one of the reasons I’m closer and closer to the edge is because I’ve never had anyone care, not even family. But yes, it’s daredevil to let someone in and not know whether it’ll be worth your while or if you’ll end up feeling, if that’s possible, worse. I do hope things start looking up for you.
It’s risky business. You let someone in, you think they care, but they don’t. Or they do care, but it’s not enough to save you and they feel guilt. Or you get lucky and they do care and it helps you hold on. But it’s a risk. A big risk. And I’ve taken too many risks that haven’t panned out in this life…
Have any of the risks you’ve taken panned out though? Because if some have, even only a few, I think before the end, you should take one more risk. Not a huge one. A small one.
I don’t think so…though that could be my selective memory via depression. Though I do think one last risk is the way to go. Just go all in. But I have to be ready to face the consequences. And I’m not at that point yet. Soon.
Yes, making sure you can face the consequences is wise. Maybe you’ll end up happy (!), but just in case everything goes wrong… I hope when you take that last risk, it’ll be worth it.