So why does it feel like I am? Outwardly I try so damn hard every single day to make them smile, to make you smile. My only thoughts are of yours, my sweet Maria. When I turn inward, numbness is all. None of this is your fault.
I have been distant all my life. Not ugly, or fat, or picked on in any way. I separated myself from others as a matter of course. We had no connection, whatever they felt around me was lost on me. Social cues, meaningless, friendships, tossed aside. I care about nothing. I’m watching my fingers type and know that this is the first true thing I’ve told anyone in a very, very long time.
I know people would understand if I told them. I just got a new job, am meeting people in a brand new state, but nevertheless I remain detached, laughing and joking outside while I silently yearn for guidance within. I’ll never really ask for any, maybe because I hate asking for anything at all, maybe because I don’t want to burden anyone with this. How could they help? By telling me I’m smart, or handsome, or maybe that things will get better? Those are all very possible, even likely. Â I’m great at fixing computers, competent at welding, and have neither the desire nor ambition to do either of those things. What’s the point of money, anyways, when all I crave is to connect with somebody?
So many people, if I only called them, I know they’d be terrified to learn how I’ve felt all these years. My little sister, so innocent and loving. My younger brother, looking up to me like a father. They keep me alive, and it’s better that they don’t know it.
I halfheartedly picture my focus hitting a bridge at 110mph. Lighting a bed of charcoal in a bathroom. These thoughts should scare me, but they calm me. “I could always just end it quick if things got worse, some way to make my parents would think it was an accident!”
Why am I so cold? What the hell is wrong with me? My smiles deceive everyone but myself, because as soon as you turn away my facade does too. I can see myself, and you should all stay away.