Okay so it’s late here and I’m wide awake, lying in bed and i’m unable to fall asleep.
I was doing okay today and then suddenly, at about midnight, it hit me again. The sadness and emptiness and pain, everything just hit me again. How my brother is not here, in his room above me. And it’s still so unreal, still, after a year and a half. I still sometimes wonder if this isn’t just some nightmare. Because how can it be gone? How can a life that has been built up over almost 16 years be gone in 1 second? I just can’t wrap my head around it.
Since he died, we haven’t moved or changed a thing. His toothbrush is next to ours, his pyjamas still lie in the closet right next to mine. His notes are on his desk, his shoes downstairs in the hall, his deoderant in the bathroom next to mine. All of his clothes are in his closet, his pants, his sweaters, his socks, everything. Every little thing he wrote down, every single document he made on the computer, every schoolmap, every little thing. We still have it all, right where he left it.
And i don’t ever want that to change.
I tend to wear his clothes often, sweaters and pyjamas that are way too big for me but just the thought that he wore them too does something to me.
And i’m so scared about forgetting so many things that whenever i remember something i write it down. I know i’ve let things slip away and i hate that. We have so many memories but it’s not enough, it never will be.
I’m rambling but i have a headache every single day lately and they don’t go away and i still feel awful and dear god what i would give to hear him and see him and touch him. I wanna watch him play Fallout 3 or Skyrim or Bioshock and i wanna hear him tell me about the games and how he achieved new weapons and objectives. And i wanna watch the Lion King and sing the songs with him and play with him. And i wanna hear him say my name and that he loves me and this hurts so much
I wanna go back to the 25th of September and stop him and hold him and tell him i would fix things and i wanna sit by his side for hours and days and weeks to find something that makes him better.
I really want him back, please please please please let him come back
Sorry
12 comments
I’m sorry to hear about your brother. I wish I was able to do something to ease your pain. I have a brother too, but he hates me. He doesn’t even let me come over to visit him and his wife and kids.
Sometimes I wonder, if he dies will I feel sad about him?
This made me cry. Im planning on jumping at golden gate on June first. I never thought about my little sister. You brother sounds a lot like me (in his game taste at least) thanks for this post. I never truly thought about how she would feel, im so sorry about your brother. Im feeling what he felt now.
isnt there a net or something there to save people?
Not yet but they’re expected to give the go ahead to build one in May.
Please don’t jump. That’s all I ask.
Snader, I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain. I can’t imagine losing my brother. It must be so hard. You clearly loved him so much. It sounds like he loved you back just as much. Hold on to every moment, every memory. I think it’s really great that you write things down. You’re right about how easily things slip away with time. You’ll be so glad you did that later on when you pull those memories back out years from now and reread them and find that you’re able to relive in your mind.
And Gabriel, maybe this thoughtful, heartwrenching post might inspire you to talk to your little sister about the things that are causing you pain? Or maybe not even that, maybe just start talking to her more period about life, about her, about games, about friends. And definitely let it remind you to make sure your sis knows how very much you love her. I am taking a leap here and assuming that this is the case. In any event, for both of you, I only hope for peace.
Ive told myself I wouldnt back out this time. Im just so tired, im ready for rest. Im not going to try to tell you my sob story, im just ready for the end. I also had no idea about any net..
I cant talk to my sister about this. She needs to be worrying about school right now. The last thing I want is to be a burdan on her mind.
Aldo snader, what you said about 16 years of life gone in a second. Im 16, but this last year has felt like 10 years while the time leading up before that felt like a second.
Hope none of this made me sound angsty or whiny.
It didn’t Gabriel.
Martin1987, i’m sure he doesn’t hate you and i’m sorry you two don’t get along well. A strong bond between siblings can mean so much. I think that if he would die, you would be sad because after all, he is still your brother. Thank you for the kind words.
Gabriel, i’m glad this post made you think about how it would affect your sister. My brother thought it was just him against the rest of the world, but so many of his family and friends would’ve helped him. He never told me how unhappy he was, i think also because he didn’t want to ‘bother’ me, his little sis, with it. But believe me, if i had known he was in so much pain, i would’ve done everything to make him better. Please, don’t do it. So many will be hurt and so many will miss you.
And Greensky, thank you so much for the kind response. I think so too, i’ve reread some things i wrote down 2 weeks after he died and some things 9 months after and there were things i had already forgotten.
And to everybody who commented, thank you so much for the kind words. I hope the best for you all.
The most depressing thing I’ve read on here in awhile. And for this site, that’s saying something. I read through your other posts as well, after seeing this one…I feel for you, really. Your story is kind of a simple one, but also a powerful, terribly sad one as well. Loneliness and the unnatural loss of a loved one. To lose someone like that, who was that close to you, always there. Probably the one person you could always relate to and talk with. I’m sorry you have had to go through this.
“And i’m so scared about forgetting so many things that whenever i remember something i write it down. I know i’ve let things slip away and i hate that. We have so many memories but it’s not enough, it never will be.”
Man, I cried a little reading that. The memories are so precious, so sweet. And yet they haunt you, because you know they’re in the past, you lived it, it’s done, and no new memories will be made. Not like those, anyways. Ah, this world is cruel.
Anyways, I’m a little late to this post, but I just wanted to say something since this hit me pretty hard. I hope the best for you as well, and as damaging as this might be, try not to let it break you.
I read this a couple days ago and I had to stop… I began to think about my own brother and sister, of whom I am seven and nine years older than respectively (I am twenty). My sister has always looked up to me as a hero of sorts, I practically raised her myself when she was a wee baby girl with such a cute frown on her face; as the bright eyed, naive fella who joined the military and looked spick n’ span in his uniform; as the fickle young man who never made the time to visit her. She lives in another country now, along with my baby bro. I admit I may never see them again but I know that is the way it is meant to be. I love her so much, my little bro too. They will always be in my heart and I know when I take that final plunge into the abyss – they will be there in my heart and mind.
I want to thank you, Snader, for sharing your story. Of course it brought tears to my eyes, of course… May I wish you safe passage through the remainder of your life, and may your brother in spiritual form look out for you always. You are in my thoughts.
Thank you both, for the response and the kind words, i really appreciate it. I hope the best for the two of you.