Before I write my post, I just want to say how relieving this place is. Strangely enough, every time I write a bit, after I feel better for a while. It’s like if writing a bit once in a while was a drug. But it feels goddam good to tell the world.
Sometimes I wonder why we should trust people. I have incredibly big trust issues. I really do not know who to trust. Ever.
Not my family, thats for sure… I can’t stand their judgemental “advice” .
My friends; Â I have many but none I can really truthfully talk to.
My best friend; I don’t know her sometimes. Some nights, we can spend a whole night cuddling and not caring about anyone else. It’s beautiful. Other times, like now… She just flies away. And I try and try to reach to her, to see what is going on. And I am often very frustrated. I feel like I do all the effort. I am mad. I feel no recognition and she gives more to other people… I want to be mad. I want to be frustrated. I want to scream and tell her how I really feel but I can’t. I don’t want to. I don’t want to have to go through that like I have had to do with other people. I don’t want to be mad, I don’t want to be jealous. I don’t want to control her or to make her feel like that is what I am doing or trying to do. I don’t want to guilt trip her. I don’t want her to feel used. I don’t want this to be unhealthy.
I’ve seen too many unhealthy relationships around me. Too many unhappy people complaining about abusive relationships.
This is not an abusive relationship. This can be healthy… I just feel so unsure most of the time. Very alone too.
Alone. No one to talk to. Except this website with a few viewers. I want a new friend who I can tell this too. I don’t want to have to write it down.
I want to express myself.
I want to live happy.
I want to be happy.
but not lonely
Is that possible?
5 comments
It is possible for some. Heck, maybe for all, even if we all have different problems, reasons, goals. You sound like a good person and i don’t see why you couldn’t be happy.
As for the trust issues, it’s difficult to trust someone, i think your family judging you add up to that. But you should try, even if just in one or two people, not just anyone, but people who prove to you that are trustworthy.
I do have to point out something that got my attention. You are scared of making your best friend feel used because you need a more constant friendship out of her. If she pays attention to you only when she feels like it, doesn’t that mean she’s using you?. Seems to me like you need to reevaluate what you need or want in friendships, and find someone who can give you what you really need, someone who helps you deal with your loneliness, not add up to it.
somehow I really connected with ur post. coz all my life I have faced this problem. trust issue. like u, I hav major problems trusting other. I m overly suspicious of everyone n everything. and it started when I was a kid when I was judjed by my family. I became a very conscious person. developed speech and confidence problems as well. this judjing cycle never ends. no matter how old u r. and the funny part is u yourself might become a judgmental person living in such an environment for so long. that is who I became. it took some failed relationships to realize what I was doing wrong and why.
even tho I dont trust easily n thinka million times before befriending someone, I hav realized I hav made poor choices in friends. if u want to protect yourself, think whether this friend is truly a friend.if your hurting most of the time coz of her, then tell her so or just move on.
I hate to say it, but some people are like that. They are flighty and don’t realize that they are hurting others. Does your friend realize that you feel lonely when she’s not there for you? How long is not being there for you mean? Does she go off for weeks at a time, or are you wanting her back if she’s not there every day? If she was your girlfriend I can understand wanting to talk everyday, but a best friend, doesn’t mean that she will be there with you every day.
Also, I know she’s your best friend, but are you her best friend? These are all things you need to consider and possibly talk to her about before loosing trust in someone.
Friendships or any kind of relationships are similar to achieving anything that retains significant risks of failure or emotional injury upon their failure. The question you need to ask yourself is if the risk of succeeding in creating a bond with this person is worth the risk of failing. Evaluate yourself and the other person and distinctly analyze your compatibility. Creating friendships are not actually that hard if you find the right person, as much effort you invest in another they will reciprocate if they are interested in you. If not, move on and set your sights on another. Good luck 🙂
In life, and maybe in death too, when all is said and done there is nobody you can rely on more than yourself. Friends come and go, relatives may not understand, and even if they do they may still not be able to fix you’re problems. Sometimes problem’s can’t be fixed… I have learned though that relying on other people will often leave you let down. Rely on yourself first and foremost, and as nobody is perfect, even if you accidentally let yourself down then you’ll only have yourself to question for it, you can figure out what went wrong and correct it.
Of coarse I’m not suggesting that you don’t try to make any friends or anything, I’d never suggest such. Everyone needs a friend to talk to now and then. Just don’t fall into the trap of relying too heavily upon other people. Many of them can be shallow and self absorbed too.