continuing from Story of my life.. part 2
It was Christmas eve, everything was great. Until Nick came up to me and told me he couldn’t be with me any longer. He told me he had fallen out of love. That was it. He walked away. I didn’t know what to do. At first I was doubting it even happened. It was probably another daydream of some sort. But it was true. He left me standing in a hallway, never looked back. I was told to just move on. Time will heal. In a few weeks you’ll be just fine. There’s lots of fish in the sea! But there was only him that supported me through everything I went through. Even my best friends thought I was being over dramatic. But not him. He held my hand through it all. He held my hand when I laid on a stretcher in a gown waiting to go into surgery. He held my hand when my doctor told me I had herpes and HIV due to the rape. He held my hand when I wanted to hurt myself. He would sit down right next to me and hand me a razor. “If you feel the need to cut, cut me. I will endure all the pain in the world for you, as long as you’ll be happy.” But now he’s gone. He left me three months ago. And I’m not going to lie, or even sugar coat this. I was in love with him. I’m young, but I know what love is. And when you love someone, time doesn’t make it better. Waking up every morning knowing he’s further and further away from you never gets easier. It’s like a hole in your heart. And it grows everyday. You feel empty and hopeless inside. I’ve tried everything to feel something again. I’ve smoked until I’m sick. I’ve cut my legs until blood soaks through my jeans. I’ve drank to the point of severe alcohol poisoning. I’ve played Russian Roulette. I’ve tried putting myself out there. Tried to find someone new to occupy myself with so I can’t dwell on his memories. But every night I still find myself crying over Nick. Maybe it’s all ridiculous. I don’t know.
This concludes the story of my life “series” (for lack of better word). I’ll continue writing daily about specific events, such as the rape, abortion, stds, dreams, etc. If anyone has any requests, just comment. I promise to write a post or comment back in response. Thank you to all who have been reading my life story. I hope you enjoyed.
1 comment
I am sorry this happened to you. I’ve been through the same thing and you are right – sometimes we don’t go ‘through” it. We just endure it. There is nothing worse than someone willingly accepting the power we give them over us. I won’t tell you how long I’ve been “enduring” and it doesn’t matter because if we can’t move on in a week, or a year the damage is more or less permanent.
I know what the ultimate solution is and it’s not necessarily suicide. The solution is in loving yourself enough to prevail. You didn’t do anything wrong – he did. He’s a piece of shit that took advantage of your wounds and then walked away because he didn’t feel the thrill of the childish infatuation any more. As much as his presence felt like it to you, it wasn’t love. You were meeting his needs somehow.
That all sounds harsh. And I don’t mean to make light of how you feel. I know you love him with all of your heart and soul. I know what the loss feels like. I know what the devastation feels like, and I know all to well what the hopelessness feels like – I drown in it every day of my life. But I would encourage you to remember your own words – you are young.
I won’t tell you that you will fall in love again with someone else someday and that it will be more wonderful and fulfilling than the last time even if it might happen just that way. I only know that the the first small step toward healing is to respect and love yourself – even if you have to just tell yourself that over and over until it feels meaningful. I know I am preaching something I can’t necessarily put into practice but I know that is the key. I sincerely hope you at least try. And I sincerely hope things get better for you.