im a female, will be 17 in august, maybe. My family just got a hold of some pictures of me smoking weed and that sparked them to search my room and found soooo much weed and bongs and bowls and lighters and stuff. They are furious and ashamed and they just found out all this other stuff about me to that you wouldnt want your parents to know. I know it doesnt sound like a big deal but my parents HATE me now. my parents arent speaking to each other, they are probably going to get divorced because they are blaming each other for my behavior. My brother hates me because my parents are also blaming him for knowing about some stuff i did and not coming to them. Its not going to get better. My dad has a temper usually but NEVER has screamed at me the way he did and said the things he said before. He told me that i am no longer his daughter, that he doesnt want me associated with the family anymore because all i do is bring shame to us. He said that he hates me and he cant believe that im such a fuck up. My mom and dad both havent talked to me in days. They took my phone, my computer, they are selling my car, im not allowed to be friends with my only two friends, im grounded for the entire summer and probably more. the only way im even writing this is through an old ipod they forgot i have in my room. i am so depressed and i havent stopped crying for three days straight. i have completely torn apart my whole family and cant stop thinking that if i wasnt here anymore all of their problems would go away. i dont know what to do.
It’s been a year and I was better. I’m happy with the person I’m with.. Sooo happy… But my “mom” has now physically abused me multiple times. She is like an infected wound that just won’t heal, and won’t get better, only worse. I feel like smoking weed and drinking till I pass out, and I’ve never smoked, drunk, anything… Just goes to show that just because you’re blood related doesn’t mean you have to call them family…. F*ck me…
continuing from Story of my life.. part 2
It was Christmas eve, everything was great. Until Nick came up to me and told me he couldn’t be with me any longer. He told me he had fallen out of love. That was it. He walked away. I didn’t know what to do. At first I was doubting it even happened. It was probably another daydream of some sort. But it was true. He left me standing in a hallway, never looked back. I was told to just move on. Time will heal. In a few weeks you’ll be just fine. There’s lots of fish in the sea! But there was only him that supported me through everything I went through. Even my best friends thought I was being over dramatic. But not him. He held my hand through it all. He held my hand when I laid on a stretcher in a gown waiting to go into surgery. He held my hand when my doctor told me I had herpes and HIV due to the rape. He held my hand when I wanted to hurt myself. He would sit down right next to me and hand me a razor. “If you feel the need to cut, cut me. I will endure all the pain in the world for you, as long as you’ll be happy.” But now he’s gone. He left me three months ago. And I’m not going to lie, or even sugar coat this. I was in love with him. I’m young, but I know what love is. And when you love someone, time doesn’t make it better. Waking up every morning knowing he’s further and further away from you never gets easier. It’s like a hole in your heart. And it grows everyday. You feel empty and hopeless inside. I’ve tried everything to feel something again. I’ve smoked until I’m sick. I’ve cut my legs until blood soaks through my jeans. I’ve drank to the point of severe alcohol poisoning. I’ve played Russian Roulette. I’ve tried putting myself out there. Tried to find someone new to occupy myself with so I can’t dwell on his memories. But every night I still find myself crying over Nick. Maybe it’s all ridiculous. I don’t know.
This concludes the story of my life “series” (for lack of better word). I’ll continue writing daily about specific events, such as the rape, abortion, stds, dreams, etc. If anyone has any requests, just comment. I promise to write a post or comment back in response. Thank you to all who have been reading my life story. I hope you enjoyed.
“This might be the heartache that don’t stop hurting, it just keeps working on me, it just keeps pickin’ on me.”
I’ve tried almost everything to make it go away. Smoking, drinking, sex, and shredding my wrists.. The most helpful thing has been cutting. Seeing the blood drip and roll down my body. It’s almost like I’m draining my body of the hurt. If I just bleed enough it’ll eventually go away forever.. at least that’s what I’m hoping. I’m at a dead end and I don’t know what else to do.. tell somebody? or keep shredding my body until I’m all gone? I’m running out of ideas..
Its been a year since I last posted on this announcing my final day on this god forsaken earth. But as you can see it didn’t go quiet as to plan. I took a large dosage of mixed pills, slit my wrists in a cold bath and awaiting my end, only to wake up a few days later in hospital.
That was a year and 2 days ago now. Surely I should have overcome all of it, but the same problems have snuck up to me and more. When I wrote on this first I was nothing but a teenage wreck, living in the bit of life when you discover yourself and don’t like what you see.
Now, my problems have worsened. Aswell as the topics noted in my first post I am now suffering with being an alcoholic, drug abuser and chain smoker. I am overweight and have failed a majority of my GCSES despite high expectations. My parents have thrown me out and I am living on what I can.
I am back here because now the thoughts are back, of ending it, trying it all over again, so I thought id announce my return. Hi.
my frends had prom today its all over facebook… i didunt go… i dont even have a girlfrend to hug or a frend… im the sad lonly kid who knw one whants to help cos it will bring them down… crying my eys out chane smoking… this is something i will regret for the rest of my life i startid to cut agen… my dad says im nothing and you may be reading this now thinking “but im your frend” well thank you for that but idk when your siting in your room smoking with asleep playing havent been out for days no money stragly craving choclet thers nothign left for me i feel dead lost lonly crying i need a achal hug i rele hun from some one not from the slut that whants to sleep with me its tempting but ill gust freek out i cant have sex no more i keep having flash backs to when i got raped “big wop” you think “no sex whats the problem” or “shag her then” im not like that and i know i dont feel i need sex so why is it upseting me i think its cos theres something inside me that thinks “you could be like them you could be normal” idk what to do bout that one but the prom idk i gess its something that evrey one is doing and ill feel part of something for ones but id tern u with no one and look like a freek to night is going t be tuf i dont konw what to do
love you xxxxxxxxxxxxx
oneÂ shot one rope one fall
the things that end us all
look out of the door in to the night
pull the triger blow out whats left
knock out the cher tern off the light
take the step let the wind take you
bight the pill brake the cap
tern on the gas light the fag
drive the car off the clife
not comeing back
fuck you all
all the day no whos calld
the reper by his rele name
and see whos the one to frame
so smoke the weed bern the casel
drink till you drop
this ant pritey cos life shure ant
no whos been droping the candel
lifes like light going out
the smoking emders that you find
blowing away in the wind
with no hope no care
no love in the fucher that can be seen
you look at the war zone that is your life
look at the fires berning
tillt back your headÂ jone the shouting
howle to the sun
all the time you think of life
times people gon by
the eyes inÂ darkness in the corner
of the devel in side
My best friend wrote this, while we were bullshitting, smoking a cig.
All she is,
is a midnight cigarette;
like a heart attack.
on the flesh of her wrist,
never to be kissed.
Her midnight smoke is burning,
and she choke.
Up the memories of somone long forgotton,
someone lost in her own thoughts.
I promised I wouldn’t do ‘crazy shit’ to my psychiatrist, but I just can’t hold it anymore. I don’t live my life for me, I live it for them.
But fact is; they don’t care if I’m here, there or gone. My councilor at school is totally lost with me, he doenst know what to do with me, the kids at school ( yeah, they’re kids. freaking childish barbiedolls. I’m turning 19 in less then a month and my class is full with 16 y/o barbies :l ) don’t see me. I will give my parents, my family, my friends rest. My parents will have so much money and so much free time. so much burden of of their shoulders. My friends finally won’t have to listen to my sorry-ass.
Fuuuuu. I’m done. I started cutting again. yesterday, I think it was… yup. and it feels good. I started smoking again, and it feels good. I gain massive weight since two weeks…
The truth I hold, took years to unfold, locked up andÂ never told. Now I speak, for I am done being weak. A story I will tell,Â awakening the pits of my hell.
Â Pinned against the wall, being six a littleÂ small. Tongue against my chest, you can imagine the rest. Touching,Â feeling, my eyes rolling to the ceiling. I push away, forced down, screaming, but i was never found.
Â Day and night, always full of fright kissing, sucking,Â nonstop fucking. Crying, weeping and always pleading.
Was I that bad of a kid? Why was I auctionedÂ to this demon with the highest bid? Sold to the pervert in the chair, dragged off stage by the strings of myÂ hair.
No one cares about you he said, cutting my wrist wishing I were dead. He’s right you see, all these years no one gave a damn about me. AÂ puppet I am to him, dangling from limb to limb.
Â The Years pass on by, I haveÂ no tears left to cry. I escaped this hate, no more videos left to tape. DrinkingÂ here, smoking there, my life is hard to share.
Â Everyday that goes by, IÂ feel ashamed andÂ want to die. I tried to share my story to those I trust,Â But all they wanted was my lust. Met a boy, come to find out I was just hisÂ toy. I wanted to help his soul, but instead I paid his toll. BeingÂ punched in the face, always leaving without a trace.
Falling downÂ in theÂ dirt, cloths stained,Â blood soaked skirt.
Â The cold making me shiver, Drinking the flask andÂ damaging my liver. Why should I care about my life, here I go carving myselfÂ with a knife. Blood dripping down my thigh, hatred fills me like a high.
All numb, can’t feel a thing, the mourning doves ready to sing. I am notÂ dead, Just hanging by a thread. The ambulance speeding so fast, all I canÂ see is a movie of my past. All stitched up ready to go, put your cloths onÂ you stupid hoe.
This is how i lead my life soÂ take a seat and watchÂ the show. Dancing for there eyes to see, pleaseÂ someone set me free. The years passed on by, still living myÂ past as a lie.
I am sad at times,Â past full of all these crimes. Smiling to all, putting my hands out,Â breaking my fall. I would like to share my voice, It’s up to me to make thatÂ choice.
I’m 16 and currently go to high school. My mother tends to nag on me and yell at me a lot since I enjoy spending my free time playing games. She does not enjoy the way I spend my time and calls me the word “addicted” when I do play. She has a boyfriend that I don’t like…because he moves my possessions without notifying me. And when I questioned him about it today he clearly told me he will respect it only for my mothers sake…I mean why can’t he just apologize to me and say he’s sorry? Now for the issue at school…. I have been talking to my counselors at school a lot since I’m not very social. I tend to be quite and ignore people but I always hang out with my best friend since he has always been there for me and is the only person that talks to me. I recently took up a hobby thinking it would help but it’s just not helping since my family won’t take me to do it. Now for the girl part….. I tend to ignore girls the most since I’m shy and my last relationship destroyed me. She had her friend dump me because I was very emotionally depressed. My grades have been dropping dramatically and my family is saying it’s my fault. The truth is though that they have never helped me in my work and I have always had to work by myself.
When I was growing up my brother was there for me but my mother tells me to basically forget about him. When he was growing up he went threw the same thing but instead at my age he took up smoking, joining a gang, tagging, and stealing. I think I understand why he ended up like this now though… I don’t want to blame my mom for doing this to him but I can’t really think of anything else. My brother ended up leaving my mom at the age of 15 and lived with my Grandma and Grandpa since then. My mom argues with my grandma and grandpa a lot since they pay for my brother to buy cigarettes,basic needs,transportation, basically everything. I just can’t take the yelling. . . When I try to resolve it peacefully she always finds something to throw at me and make me even sadder. Why just a few months ago I apparently disgraced my family’s honor by trying to peacefully resolve a friendship conflict between my mother and her friend. My punishment was being yelled at and being told daily that I have shamed my family and that my Grandma and Grandpa are not proud of me. I think it would be better for me to just leave the world and to escape the anger I have caused on my family.
Im just so fucking scared that I will fail. I dont want to fail. And since I’m one of the worlds biggest failures there’s a big possibility that I will.
Fuck everything, I don’t matter? Im nothing. Every night after I get home from school is cry, all night. I try to be happy then I just over think everything and it makes me angry. The only time I’m ever happy is when I’m either smoking or drinking. I’m young and I’ve already fucked up my life. Why don’t I just die now? I have nothin in my life, my mom and dad are divorced and they both hate me, I never can fucking do anything right. I try and get good grades but I can’t, I just can’t. I try I try so hard to make my mom happy but all she ever does is criticize me. I have no one. I have no friends that I can talk to about this, no one wants to be friends with me. I’m just a fucked up little ***** I guess. Yeah I’m fat, I’m ugly, and have no confidence. I lost the guy who ment everything to me. I never have loved someone as much as I love him. After he dumped me I just haven’t been the same since. I go to school every fucking day just to please my mom. I don’t want to live, I don’t want to be here. Because my life sucks. I have nothing to look forward to every day. I’m sad I’m mad, and I hate myself. The two things I want back is the guy I love, and my happiness. Please god please:(
-work on self esteem
-work onÂ socialÂ anxiety