You are not alone

I understand that others are considering taking their lives, and that there may be untold hordes of people despondently slogging there way forward, heck I started identifying with the zombies on The Walking Dead a long time ago, but the Internet can only create a shadow of support and an illusory form of community. For me, knowing others are suffering just makes me more sad, but as I read other folks situations, I find myself wanting to encourage people, hoping offering another perspective can cause a useful small shift to change the trajectory.

Yet for myself, I feel like my mind has been made. Months ago, I got rid of my stockpile of old medications. I was able to do various practices to tap into joy, and once there, I could ride a wave of creative thoughts and possibilities; but now, it is as if all of that is on the other side of a thick, heavy, locked door. Oddly enough, I have more peace about it now, and don’t feel conflicted.

I’m sure my burgeoning health issues throw a wrench into it (somato-psychic), but thanks to a generous doc, I think I have the means (based on my research), but it gets complicated. i ‘d rather not have my wife be the one to find my used up earth suit, although I think I can schedule around it. Alternatively, I live in an area with many notable bridges which have statistically been very effective for many. So, that would be an option if I wanted to make a statement of sorts (letter in plastic, duct-taped, not a manifesto).

I keep getting sucked into wanting to get things in order, but the list can readily become more than I can physically manage. Still, I know there are a few things I really should get handled; yet three times this week, I’ve thought f–k it. So In my case, it is not just being overwhelmed beyond one’s coping ability, but it might end up appearing that way. I’ll need a sufficient nudge, but it won’t be hasty.

I’ve agreed with myself to see how a couple of things play out in the next two weeks. If i wait too much longer, I’ll be colliding with various relatives birthdays and may then need to postpone things for a while; but I am determined NOT to see my next birthday.