I never thought I would end up on someplace like this. I never wanted to die before. But my life changed, and I did nothing to deserve any of it. I spend my while day asking, “Why me? What did I do?” My brother killed himself in front of me. And I loved him. He was my world I always looked up to him, but after a night of partying I guess he decided he couldn’t take it. And just like that, he was gone. I don’t want to live without him.
That was a year ago.
I thought I would get happy but I’m not. What’s the point of living if it doesn’t get easier? I’ve secluded myself from the rest of the world. Every day I carry a bottle of Vicodin to school. Someday, I will swallow every single pill. But before I do that I want to find a way to be remembered. Not as the girl who killed herself.
3 comments
I’m very sorry to hear about this loss.
How sad. I hope you feel better. Try and stick it out. It can get easier. It has only been a year..Your brother doing that in front of your wasn’t very thoughtful, obviously he was in a lot of pain. I bet he would take it back if he could. Especially if it was an impulsive act done while he was drunk and depressed. Perhaps counseling could help. I know that’s so obvious,, but sometimes it can help.. -sometimes it doesn’t. It may help to do things that give your life a sense of meaning or purpose. Some kind of social activism or hobby, -whatever. There’s a lot to be said for being emotionally and financially self-sufficient. Maybe that could be your goal for now. Stay strong.
Sweetheart, the trauma of losing someone like that is a difficult thing to overcome, especially in such a short time frame. What do you think about your parents? Are they nice, do you feel like they love and care about you? I won’t pretend to understand what it feels like to go through what you are going through, as I have only seen a friend die from suicide, and that was bad enough. What I can say is, even though it was really hard to get over at first, to get through the nightmares and the thoughts and the feelings, after I went to counseling I managed to slowly regain control over my life. Please don’t give up yet, there are other things left to try, push through the pain and live, I’m sure your brother would want that for you, and if he knew the pain that it has caused you, I’m sure he would have done it differently.