dear Nik…

Please know that you were my biggest fail and the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I miss the old days. You won’t admit it, but I know you do too. Or maybe that’s’what I like to tell myself… You were dead inside for so long already, and I was a fool for hoping I could ever fix you. You walked out of my life like you didn’t consider the impact you had on me during the last year of school. It was the best one of them all, because I was not actually bullied, and I had you. You kept me going when I was about to give up. If it wasn’t for what you told me, trust me, I would have taken these pills and slit my wrists. But I am still here, without you, and it’s’killing me. Since we stopped talking I have been dreaming a lot about you and I lost hope in everything I do. How could I have lost you? You were the first and only person I truly loved. I miss your eyes, your smile, your fingers crossing the paper while you read, your shyness, your arms. Everything. I miss your flaws, I miss when we laughed together, I miss our art and sex talks. Skipping class and talking about life in the parc. Going to McDonalds with Becca but above it all, I miss the way you looked at me. I think that’s’a thing that made me more in love with every instant I had with you. My attraction for you seemed childish but now that I look at it, I realise that you were a huge part of my life and you were so precious to me. I’ve let you slip away and I think about it daily. How do you think I will ever love again? How dare you write to me that I will find the man of my dreams when I leave this town? You’re gone, I have failed. You were the one this I know for sure. The memory of you is so bitter-sweet, and I still skip classes in the morning to sleep more when I dreamt about you, because the only way we can be together is when I’m dreaming.