Each day I slip further and further into the pits of hell. I am physically living but feel as if I walk around this universe as a ghost no one can see me no one can hear me just me and my thoughts. I was a victim of child abuse like many others. I started getting teased and picked on in 1 grade and every day and year after because I was always a little bigger. I was put down so much I never knew how to love myself. As I got older I looked and looked for that love never found it.
When I was about 13 I started smoking pot I found it as my escape from pain didn’t work much. At that same age before that I tried to kill myself being young and stupid I knew nothing but I wanted to die so I took my shoe lace made a slip knot put it around my throat and pulled as hard as I could as long as I could. I started getting weak but could keep a hold of it. I tried cutting myself but could never get deep enough to lose enough blood to die. I then moved to violence hoping if I fought with the wrong person they would just shot me and I could die. Never worked out just got into trouble even more. So I decided if I couldn’t die I would just drink and numb everything but I just made things worse. See I thought I would be happy but alcohol in my body was unpredictable.
As a female you are special you bring life into a world but what if you are broken? I was told at the age of 18 I would never have kids. After all the physical and mental and emotion abuse from school and then at home that was when I just gave up all the way. I couldn’t take my own life and now the only thing I was looking forward to in life I couldn’t have the one thing that I could do right the one thing I knew how to do The one thing I could love and it would love me back. I sunk into the winding vines of the demons and decided I wanted to go further I started doing other drugs finally I had no care in the world I finally felt happy. But it only lasted for so long until it didn’t matter how much I did I still couldn’t find happy. And after so long it started affecting  my internal organs and I started having more health problems and couldn’t feel like I did that first time there was never enough drugs.
It seems like in life there is no happiness. Its just pain and misery. I have tried so hard to be happy to make someone else happy to be with someone else but in the end it never comes I just end up worse off. So why am I still living why punish me with life? Thats all life is, is a punishment and its like the more you want to leave this place the longer your punishment of life is. Not only is my punishment getting longer now I am this invisible drifter with a life sentence of living hell. Is there ever a break in life?
1 comment
You raise an interesting thought about being born broken. I’d never put it that way before, but that’s exactly how I feel as well…that I was born broken. Had I been born as a wild animal my fellow litter mates would have sensed that something was fundamentally wrong with me and kept me from feeding so as to weed me from the gene pool. Ugh. Life, right? ANYway…sorry to make this about me when it’s not. Sorry it’s been such a rough life for you. Thank you for sharing this post though! Know that you’re not alone in this particular boat.