Loved someone with every ounce of your existence? And despite how you feel, have that person and people around you tell you that it isn’t really love. I admit it I am controlling, not because I had no control over my childhood or anything like that. But because I want to control the pain that I will feel. I didn’t and still don’t want to feel any type of love for anyone because I don’t want to hurt. I never trusted anyone I built the biggest of walls and yet one person got through to me. It was magic it was love it was the one thing that makes life worth living. It was all I ever wanted, just to love and be loved in return, but things went wrong and it all fell apart. There is nothing left the man I loved he died and the person I was died with him. All that is left are memories and fading faces surrounded by familiar places. There are days when its like nothing has changed but then I look around and nothing is the same. I don’t love him I don’t want to be with him, I just want to say goodbye. Because I know that it can never work not in this lifetime not after everything that has happened. And I don’t ever want to love again, because I am AFRAID. I feel empty everyday, I feel rejected and alone and it’s just a constant battle to live my life. Sometimes I would seriously rather just die and other times I get so fed up with this depression with these suicidal feelings with EVERYTHING.
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I’ve loved immensely, but can’t really say that others have told me otherwise, that what I’m feeling isn’t love. It’s a confusing prospect I admit, but I know when my feelings progress from that of compassion to undivided adoration and…well, love.
It’s easy for me to throw that word at someone, but when it comes flying my way? I tend to feel utter confusion. I-I s’pose anyone would, more so if you find yourself with a mind set such as mine. I appreciate you posting this question of your’s, and I feel as if you deserve something more than the rejection and loneliness you’re battling. All I can say is I wish you the very best, know that I could never reject a person who holds such a beautiful feeling near to them, even if it has faded for the time being.