My Story

This will be my first post on here, it’s probably going to be long winded so I honestly hope that someone will read this. So here goes… I’m an 18 year old guy, obviously very much troubled with life like the rest of us on here. My Mother had me at the age of 24 and my biological Father for whatever reason left her (still to this date any relative is reluctant to give information on him) She then met my Step Father when I was 4 and that’s when things began to spiral down. They had children, and I was pushed a side, became an outcast, didn’t fit in. Like any child would, I strived for attention and love which I think in turn fuelled my Mothers dislike towards me. It was around the time that I was 10 that the home became violent and abusive. Majority of my time spent at home is a blur to me but I do remember one time in particular when my Mother was kicking my ribs in with Dr Marten boots. I was no angel either, I’ll admit to that, I did shout abuse at my Mother but that was about the extent of it.
I started to see psychiatrists where I was diagnosed with; OCD, Selective Eating Disorder and Depression. I was then admitted to a psychiatric ward to be assessed. This was during the time when I was at school so when word got around I was admitted to a ‘mental home’ I started to get bullied, I cut myself, I’d get into fights, I was in school for 42% of year 8, I’d constantly get into trouble. Life was unbearable even at this point and to be honest, I think that I should have ended it all back then when I could probably go ahead with doing so.
So I turned 13 years old, my Mother decided that she had enough of her first born son and just dumped me on Social Services. It was at this time my mental health issues rapidly escalated. Already at this point I had; Selective eating disorder which was coupled with OCD making me unable to eat food because of fear of contamination or something along those lines. Depression. Anxiety and panic attacks which were crippling, worrying about death related things (ironically). Post traumatic stress and to top it all off a diagnosis of Aspergers Syndrome Disorder was given. Being in care was horrible, everyone was so fucking cold. I came a recluse and accepted that I’m not worthy of anything really and just stayed shut in my room.
At 17 I got my own flat, I started doing reckless things, sleeping around, drugs, alcohol. I was a wreck. I tried to go to college. Twice. But my problems were so debilitating in nearly any circumstance, I was unable to maintain a single thing. All I would is just sit in my room, get high and try to just numb my mind of any pain that I had. And just be able to function inside my head. I was evicted from my home and right now I am living with my Grandparents.
I cannot stand being here any longer. I can’t stand being socially awkward, having no friends, being hungry because I can’t eat, having no qualifications, having no parents or siblings that I can be with, having no job, having no money, constantly having panic attacks on a daily basis, having fucking nothing to make all of this suffering worthwhile. I know there are things to live for but what use they in contrast to the rest of my life? Why should I bother sticking around? I’m scared of dying so I am completely trapped here and it’s driving me insane! If I didn’t have the fear that I do about death I wouldn’t even think twice about it. I fantasise all of the time about blowing my head to pieces with a gun, throwing myself into a train or jumping off something high. My problems won’t ever disappear, they’ve stained my soul and the damage is permanent. I often wonder what have I done to deserve this? I resent my Mother, not for what she did to me but the fact that she didn’t just abort me when my Father left her. What a waste.
If you’re still reading this then… Well I don’t know… I need to just vent it all. I’d be more than happy to try and help someone else if they need it or maybe even become close friends?
You can add me
KIK: gacs77
Skype: gacs7rs

Thank you for reading