Hello. My name is Shawn, and I’m going to inform you all about my life from within my head. I think my life was fairly normal except for my mental state and the fact that I lived in complete filth for most of my life. My house was ankle high with trash and nobody cleaned it. Laundry was rarely done so I was a generally gross kid. I remember however I was fairly smart. At school I knew everybody and was the school clown. It was fun having people laugh at me when I would do something stupid even if they didn’t really respect me.
On a darker note ever since I was a child I was obsessed with killing myself. I was raised with a gun to my head, so to speak. I always had a goal to reach and enough will power to move forward and be happy however. I was around 8 the first time I thought about killing myself. It was late and my parents were watching a movie. I got up from bed and put a knife to my throat. After that I was going to go out in front of the TV and slit my neck, but I stopped myself more out of cowardliness then any moral belief.
Time went by and my mind slowly decayed. Fast forward past a couple years of me being normal. In 5-8th grade I lost most of my work ethic. Instead of working I tried to figure out why I existed. I stayed up at night and I thought about everything my mind could bring up. I mostly thought about the why I existed and what the future held in store. I ended up deciding that nothing matters because I would die and be forgotten. With how long the world will last life will move on and nobody will know I was here.Every piece of my being will be eradicated and my mind will be lost somewhere along the way.
As you could probably assume with that mind set and me not doing schoolwork I quickly started to fail, but like when I was little something pushed me to work. I would fail all my classes and rarely show up to school. Then in the last half of the school year quickly do all the work I missed then get a D and pass the class. I kept moving on and barely passing classes until high school. As much as I hated myself I found a girl who didn’t hate me and we dated for around 5 months and for those months she and my sister where all that kept me going on with life. The first two months of high school while I dated her I was able to think straight for the most part and she got me to put effort in to school. I was able to get straight A’s and I showed a lot of my family I wasn’t stupid just unmotivated. After around 4 months me and my girlfriend started growing distant. She started to stop calling and texting and I just didn’t have any drive to find out why. The fifth month came and she broke up with me right after I learned that she was seeing somebody else for around the whole month. I was pretty devastated. I could actually feel the pain of my emotions going out of control.
After that day I stopped acting right. My mind became a horrific place filled with thoughts and urges to kill people. I wanted the world to burn and me to die with it. After about half a year the thoughts went away for the most part they lingered here or there, but it wasn’t an urge to kill like it was before. The next year I slowly started to become tired. Life was boring and dull I could get my homework done, but only enough to pass. I lost the ability to sleep except in class, I think that was about the time I started giving up.
I finally failed a class and that hurt my psyche. I decided that if I failed another I would kill myself. I started failing classes most of the year then pass them all last second again. The decay of my mind continued. I’m starting to get more and more tired. This semester has destroyed whatever will I had left. I now have done zero work instead of the usual edge of failing amount of work I would put in. I think I will fail most of my classes this time and if I do I will end it all on my 18th birthday on July 12th, 2014.
I might only be 17, but I feel so much older. I have grown so bored. I hate almost everybody except for a couple of my closest friends, and I can still only stand them for so long. I trust almost nobody. I feel more like a shell and less like a person. I feel like I ended up with a piece of me missing and I just couldn’t find the parts to fix it. I might add more to this “little” story until the date of my self sentenced execution. I want to thank anybody for actually taking time and reading this all the way. I hope maybe somebody will read this and can relate to something I said and maybe they won’t feel so alone.
Thanks for listening,
Shawn Anonymous-
7 comments
Whats with all the presure to pass your classes?
Shit this made me feel like I was in high school again, I couldnt handle school very well myself, I droped out in the middle of 10th grade so technically I only have a 9th grade education, and that makes life so much harder.
I feel like most students are under the same amount of stress for grades. The only difference is my lack of drive.
welcome to sp, shawn.
Thank you for welcoming me. I like your new name.
ps I changed my name just for your entertainment, me = youwillneverknowme’
It seems like almost every teenager begins to ponder the meaning of life and become complacent in their actions. I know I did, I was very suicidal (even homicidal at times, depending on who was pushing me) and had three failed suicide attempts by the time I was 23. My mind was such a terrible place to dwell. I had to really analyze the level of importance I had placed on certain aspects of life.
Such as school, if I decided to live into my old age would I be thinking about the classes I failed in high school? I thought that I likely wouldn’t give a shit about those classes. I already don’t give a shit about those classes.
I thought about the boyfriends I had who had screwed me over and decided that I probably wouldn’t want to pay them any mind either, which I don’t. But, at the time, all of it seemed so monumental.
I had the chance to work with older people who were dying of natural causes and every time they were about to die they talked about their family and the ones they would leave behind. They spoke of that one Christmas when it snowed, or how grandma would tuck them in. They spoke of the love that was shared, not of the struggles that they faced.
It really challenged me to reconsider my notion of “happiness.”
Don’t get me wrong Shawn I see the ugliness in the world, I see what people do to other people. But, I have also seen how kind and helpful people can be. I hold on to the hope that things can be different. The thought that maybe, just maybe, it could be is enough for me to try.
What exactly would it take to be enough for you to give it another go?
I have no idea what might get me to give it another go honestly. I’m in the same role you were in with the reconsidering how I see life aspect. I try to think about how I don’t care about school so why should I let it affect me. Unlike the people you seem to have talked to I don’t have any real connection with my family however. They are just strangers that I don’t really care about. I’m trying to grasp something to keep me moving forward instead of getting trapped in my head, but it’s much harder then it sounds.