When I look in the mirror,
I don’t see me
I see failure and no beauty,
I see ugliness and sorrow
I used to be so happy
A bubbly joyful girl
I used to be excited for school and my friends
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Now I dread seeing myself
I fear breakfast and tea
I know my friends watch me
To make sure that I eat
They scan my arms everyday
Checking for new cuts
Their faces falling at the sight of crusted blood
I know they’re disappointed
I see it in their eyes
Some seem to understand
Some over-react
Some look disgusted when I show them the scars
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Long sleeve t-shirts are the new ‘in thing’ for me
Jeans with pockets to hide my fingers
Rough denim rubbing at the seams
I try to hide my grimace
When my boyfriend holds my hand
They all know I’m damaged
They say they don’t mind the marks
Some of them are truthful
I know which are not
I wish I could tell them how it really feels
To be treated like glass
Like my scars are seams holding me together
I know they talk behind my back
Discuss my latest troubles
It’s that what hurts the most
Being kept from my own secrets
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I wish they understood how I hate what I’ve become
A friend that everyone dreads to have
I wish I could just be normal and fit in with the crowd
But I don’t
This is me
And if you can’t handle me
Don’t.
3 comments
My first post here:
You have a wonderful way with words.
I have found that if I dont identify with what I feel that it does not affect me the same way. After all, we are not our thoughts or our feelings. These are states we pass through or get stuck in, but they not us. Those of us who feel things intensely, who feel terror in simply being, who find the moral climate of the universe intolerable. Either we learn somehow to cope or we suffer greatly.
There are no easy answers. I can tell you what works for me (practice at meditation, by stilling the mind and immersing my ‘self’ in the mental substrate, -whatever that is.. Once you do this for a while (30 mins every morning).. you will soon find that the self (I guess the ego,, the sense of self) just completely disappears, while awareness remains, and a profound sense of well-being rises up from within. -Just while you;re in that state.. I still have a lot of issues, but I dont suffer as much as I used to. I find if I do things that stimulate my mind, (like reading Thomas Ligotti, of late), it helps.
You are not what you feel as surely as you are not your body or your mind, or your conceptions of your self. Once you have grasped this directly, by going beyond the self, it can be very liberating. ‘The world is not as it seems but neither is it otherwise. ‘ -Buddha -supposedly said this. I think there is a lot of truth in it.
thanks manikin I think I get what you mean there..although I am only 13 x
This is beautiful… It feels like what i’m going through, also… But im only 12…