There is this internal conflict that keeps occurring more and more frequently. My feelings are trying to resurface and my numbness is trying to fight it away. I have the strangest dreams but they reflect those feelings I won’t allow myself to feel when I’m awake. When I’m dreaming I do feel them even if it’s just a pinch, but I feel it. And I wake up with the Reminence of those feelings and I don’t know what to do. These feelings for the most part have to do with one person in particular and I wish I could talk to this person but I can’t. Not because I can’t speak the words but because I know that this person is unwilling to listen and it’s not based on an assumption but from failed attempts. I’m lost and alone I have maybe one person or two whom know me and my struggle and miss me and spend time with me and care and encourage and are happy for me. I guess that’s a good thing I just wish they were around more but somehow it’s the people who don’t care that don’t try that are around more. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life  but I feel like my lack of knowing is causing me to make mistakes. And I am afraid truly am for the future for whom I will become just afraid period.
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I can relate to that.
After an specially rough period in my life (years and years of bs) i lost it emotionally, not so long ago. A bad breakup was the final trigger, but when enough time had passed i was able to go into full numb mode which was my way of repressing things. In my case my dreams reflected my repressed emotions too (and still do), and at times i get flashbacks and memories which come with that familiar feeling (at least to me) of being stabbed by the pain for a short period. I can’t talk to that particular person either, not because she wouldn’t listen, but because she rebuilt her life and doesn’t care anymore. Not the first time that i’ve gone through this “process” either, but i have to admit it has been the definite worst.
In the end i think they are right with the “give time” thing. The bad? if you give it time and heal it can happen again. I know that’s happened to me at least, a continuous healing/breaking cycle which never stops. I don’t know what i’m doing with my life either, and i have no idea what will happen eventually, but i prefer to think that i’ll find the answer that works for me somehow along this cycle, because sad enough, i think the only way of learning is screwing up. But yes, the fear can be overwhelming must of the times.
I don’t know why i wrote so much but i guess i just related to it so much that i couldn’t help it. Wish you for the best and i hope you can overcome your hurdles 🙂