If you can’t trust your own mind, can you really trust anything at all? I live in complete uncertainty, I can’t rely on myself or my own feelings. I constantly feel a whole bunch of nothing, or a whole bunch of everything. One day I’ll be head over heals for someone, and without warning I’ll wake up the next day and the only thing I feel for them is completely platonic, strictly friendly. The only thing I’ve found that feels right in this galaxy of wrong is completely impossible, a slap in the face. I vow never to have feelings for anyone, so why am I so hung up on someone so far away, something so impossible? They show no interest back, they so obviously want nothing to do with me like that, why can’t I just wake up from this and move on from it like I do with everyone else? I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want to keep getting so upset over something so minuscule, something that happens quite often to me but never to this extent.  It’s like a blue-ball of the mind, a one-sided tease. . It’s so impossibly hard for me to ever feel something more than a crush, so why does it happen with someone so unimaginably and hopelessly unattainable?
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You can’t predict what someone else does or doesn’t want, or even know if they’ve ever considered that possibility in the first place. You can assume those things, but that’s limiting the possibilities of things turning out opposite what you assume/expect. Why not let things be whatever they are, and become whatever they will? One of my friends right now is having this exact same issue, and it’s one of the reasons I kind of gave up on worrying about whether I’m involved with someone or not – that way, if I do meet someone, and something does happen, I’ll be pleasantly surprised (assuming it’s a pleasant something). But if not, no big loss since I’m forcing myself into a neutral stance in terms of what I expect to happen. One thing people very often don’t realize is that you never know what will happen tomorrow, even if it seems exceptionally reasonable to assume you do.
I can totally relate to how you feel. I’ve met someone whom I’ve known now for about two years and we met online, she posted videos. The second I saw her, there was something about her. At the time I was not looking for a relationship. I had just began to get to know someone nearby. And at the same time I was getting to know this person whom my heart went out to due to what she was going through. At the time I was dealing with the exact same issue/s. We quickly realized we had much in common. I was getting to know two people at the same time. One lived in my city, and the other states away whom I met online. I began to start to go on dates with the girl nearby and get to know her more. While the more I got to know the distant girl, the more I realized just how alike we were. Similar interests and similar life struggles etc. In the beginning we were flirting back and forth. I could make her laugh and smile. I know she felt something. We were both dating other people, but neither of us were exclusive. Also at the same time the more I dated the girl close to me, the more I liked her. She didn’t quite have the same personality, but she has the biggest heart. She’s the most genuine sincere good hearted person I know. Compared to my ex before her, she was a dream come true. We don’t have all the same interests and I can’t make her laugh and cut up with me like I can miss long distance. Never the less, she’s won my heart over. Before we became exclusive, I confronted miss long distance on this mutual feeling of ours. She said she couldn’t do a long distance relationship. I said well let me come out there and see you, and just go from there. She said she didn’t think that was a good idea either. And shortly after that, I got friend zoned. She’s gone through friendships and relationships and the only person (in her words) who’s always there for her at the end of the day is me. Mr. Friend Zone special here. I’m the greatest guy, I buy her something on her birthdays, etc and build her up and I’m just seen as a ”friend”. And no matter how much I love and care about my girlfriend there’s still this magnetic pull to Katie my California girl ”friend”. Maybe it’s the whole ”Grass is greener on the other side” deal. Maybe in my mind I’ve built her up to be this seemingly perfect person. I can’t just be her friend, when in my gut I know there’s something so much more under the surface. I’ve tried to forget about her, and move on and forget about her. It’s like she can tell when I’m trying to push her away emotionally or availability wise. She has this way of sensing when I do. She’ll give me the whole ”I’ve missed you, I love you (as a friend I assume) and finds a way to torment me into a guilt trip. And at the same time I love my gf, but I feel guilty because there’s some small portion of my heart that holds onto hope of miss dumb dumb to wake up and realize the reason she can’t find Mr. Right is because I’ve been here all along. I’ve been with my gf almost two years and I’ve known Ms. California for about the same time. I need to let her go. So I can give my gf my everything. It’s no easy task. I feel your pain…