Well, where do I start? I’ll start with the reason I decided to even consider writing this. Well while messing around on my laptop, I realized I haven’t left my room for a week, minus going to the bathroom, eating, and showering. After that I realized I’ve been in my room for a lot of my life. I’m not very close with my mom, I push her away when she tries to get close. I have plenty of friends, I just prefer to stay in my room and talk to people over the internet. I left my room last week to go on a walk with my mom (which I didn’t want to go on in the first place), and there were just too many people for me, I nearly had a panic attack. In the middle of the walk I started speeding up and running back to the car. I just wanted to go home. To go to my room. What’s wrong with me? I think I have social anxiety, and I tried telling my mom that but she said I needed to get over it. I don’t think she quite understands what I’m going through. On top of that, my dad is back on drugs, he moved out of state to go to rehab to STOP doing drugs. I used to be so close to him. Now I barely talk to him, he calls me, but I ignore it. I don’t know why! I’m 16 and I just want him to be alive for my graduation. I was supposed to visit him this summer also but now I can’t see him. It seriously kills me inside because I know I can’t help. I know how addiction works. I make jokes about everything, because that’s just the way I cope with things. But now it’s late and it’s just me and my thoughts. I have also never had a boyfriend before, not that it matters but I met this boy. He confuses me so much. He tells me to “let it all out” that I can “tell him anything”. I feel like it’s all Bs, I have too many problems for him to care and even listen. I told him about my dad and he understood. He says I’m beautiful, of coarse I don’t believe him. I’m fat. I have such a low self esteem. I keep telling him I’m fat, and he keeps saying I’m not. But I am! I don’t know why he likes me. I’m what I would call “unlikeable”. I do like him, but I feel like he could find someone so much better. I’m just not worth his time. I don’t know why I’m so sad all of the time! I’m so thankful for everything I have, but still have the nerve to be depressed! I just hate all of the stuff that’s going on in my life right now. I don’t show any emotion towards anyone, I don’t cry anymore, but I always feel like it. Oh and it’s so much worse when it’s just me and my thoughts. The person I’m closest to is my sister, but I still keep things to myself. I feel like I’m too fat to do anything. That’s why I can’t be around people. I’m too fat and insecure to be around people. Not even this boy I’m talking about! I met him online, we’ve skyped once. Ahh wow it sounds so pathetic writing it out now haha. It’s pathetic and stupid to have a crush on someone that lives across the US. I wish someone could just like me as much as he does, but live here. Well that’s all the stuff that’s going on in my life right now. If anyone is going through the same thing, can you please tell me how to get closer to my mom, I feel so uncomfortable when I get personal with her. And this boy problem, I already told him I’m not sending nudes, and he continues to talk to me and give me compliments. I want to talk to my dad, but when I hear his voice I just get sad and angry. I think he’s going to die before my graduation. That’s literally my only wish! I can stay fat and ugly! I just want him to see me graduate and go to college.
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You must realize a lot of your pain is rather self afflicted, and I convey this with much empathy and with no intent to be condescending. You want things like acceptance and love yet you reject the very people who only care about you and have no I’ll intent.
For your mum, why do you feel its necessary to push her away? Has she done anything to you that has created feeling of resentment and spite? If she is demonstrating a strong interest in kindling a close bond with you, why deny her the chance? I mean we only have so much time with our parent and any day can be their last, so why not reciprocate the kindness. I understand if she is abusive to you and neglectful but if she is rather innocent then why?
OK your Father has fallen back into an addiction, and you have every right to be disappointed in him for his irresponsibility, but then again he is taking the steps to recovery and is atoning for his actions. So why ostracize him? He is only reaching out to you because he cares and he possibly needs the support and comfort of his family to battle his addiction. You say you two were close, but not anymore, yet when he calls you ignore him? Unless he has done something that has left you with resentment and bitterness toward him, why do you reject him?
You want him to be alive for your graduation to support you accomplishments then take the steps necessary to support his recovery so he can be there. Of course you cannot fight his battle for him, but your care and understanding will give him the strength to overcome.
I understand you have social anxiety and I can relate to that. When I get around large crowds of people I get clusterphobic and feel compelled to seek open air and solidarity. But of course we cannot allow these conditions to rule our lives and deprive us of the joys in life. We may always have these pressures and anxiety but there are ways to cope and steps to regain some control so we can experience social events and life in general. We have to one day or another and we cannot live confine in a room forever.
As for your friend, be grateful you have a friend who is extremely supportive and norhing but understanding. I do advise to guard yourself at all times but understand and be happy when someone genuinely expresses interest and feelings of fondness for who you are. But do not feel rushed or feel you have failed because you have yet to ascertain a boyfriend. Cmon do you really wanna dig into that mess now. Your young, your free, so experience life with no bondages or worry and never feel rushed to find romance. It will come in due time.
I do not want to overwhelm you and when I asked you questioned, I ask them so you can question yourself and your motives. These are question only meant for you to answer to yourself. I think your in a period of a lot of growing and confusion and it is OK. Don’t beat yourself up because you believe your not perfect. Who the hell is perfect anyways, so learn to love yourself and appreciate the very person you are. If you song like something or feel insecure about something, then change it. Don’t let it be an excuse to be happy, if its something you can change.
Well good luck and take care.
And please mind my grammar and spelling errors. I am sore, on a phone and haven’t slept in days haha.